Bad ju-ju on Mt. Willis

The Hatfield and McCoy feud began as a battle over pig ownership. It ended in a very bloody fashion. A lot of people died. All this despite the fact that the two families lived in different states (Kentucky and West Virginia) and had a small mountain range divided the families’ property.

I only bring it up because life around Mt. Willis is getting ugly.

To be fair, Mt. Willis isn’t much of a mountain. It’s more of a hill that sits as a border to a perfectly suburban cul-de-sac. The cul-de-sac contains five homes. We live in one, a woman my wife calls Repo lives in another. A quiet couple who likes the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Georgia Bulldogs lives in one.

That leaves the Hatfields and McCoy (singular).

Crazy Pat lives at the end of the cul-de-sac. The B’s live right next to us. They just moved in about six months ago A young couple with a three year-old daughter. They’re inactive military folks who are quite smart. My wife is good friends with the lady of the house. Crazy Pat and The B house are only separated by about six feet of short grass.

The feud began in earnest about five months ago. Mr. B is pretty good with wood. Acting as a good father would, he was refinishing his daughter’s furniture in the opening to their garage. Then he decided to build a fence in his back yard (nice, well-constructed, and pretty). The Crazy Pat put up a For Sale sign. Her gardener (yes, Crazy Pat has a guy who does her yard) revealed to Mr. B that Pat thought Mr. B was a redneck and she couldn’t live there anymore.

Mr B doesn’t take well to being called a redneck. He increased his woodworking, even building a candlelit Happy Halloween structure that clearly went against Crazy Pat’s sensibilities.

Then the first letter came. Crazy Pat had written the homeowners association saying that Mr. B was consistently driving across a small portion of short grass that belong to her. She didn’t ask him to stop. She just reported him to the HOA Nazis.

So Mr B goes over to ask why, deny driving on her grass, etc. She rebuffs him. So he asks her to keep the Crazy Pat Cat from walking on his car. She says it isn’t her cat. So he says…that’s good…I can kill it next time it comes over.

Mental note: Don’t threaten people’s animals.

(Editors note: It is about this time in the feud that I stop taking sides. Sometimes Mr. B gets a little too mouthy for his own good and I can’t be associated with it Plus…I don’t like animal threats, either).

Then Mr. B writes a perfectly nice parable about The Wretched Old Hen. I’d share it with you, but its pretty long. I don’t think he shared it with Crazy Pat, but he did erect a Thanksgiving structure in his front yard that bore the legend “Happy Thanksgiving, You Wretched Old Hen.”

That’s when the Sheriff’s Office showed up.

Mr B has now been served notice that he is in violation of HOA Rules and Regulations.

I don’t know where it goes from here. But the social gatherings at Mt. Willis are going to be postponed for a while.

Security issues, you understand.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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