Get me a Turducken!

I was in a discount store today. I wasn’t happy about being there, but I wasn’t unhappy either. More than anything, I was bored. And so was the 11 year-old kid standing down the clothing racks from me.

I hate to admit it, but we were both occupying ourselves by doing the exact same thing.

We were looking at fashionable panties.

Like you might expect in a discount store…there was a big bin. It was full of multi-colored, rhinestone-studded, big-enough-to-put-your-ass-and-a-turducken-inside-the-fabric panties. I was standing a goodly distance away. I didn’t want anyone to see a lesser-known TV personality eyeing up the shiny underwear. The kid didn’t have any worries. He and each of his four eyes (no offense to my bespectacled friends) were staring deeply into the Big Bin O’ Panties. He looked like he wanted to touch them. I saw something light up in his eyes. It was as if…for the first time…he saw what is exciting about women.

His dad was nearby looking at Member’s Only jackets. I’m pretty sure his dad wanted to touch the panties as well.

What worries me is that some woman is going to buy these panties. She’s going to walk in to her husband’s bedroom in the back part of the trailer and he’s going to say, “Honey, those rhinestones really bring out your belly button.” And then they are going to make mad, greasy, monkey-love. What is even more worrisome is that this kid is going to be thinking about these panties for the next three years or so. Every time he looks at his homeroom teacher, he’s going to imagine her wearing a pair of lemon-yellow, sparkly underwear. And he’s not going to be able to concentrate on math.

If this poor kid only knew what was in front of him (I’m now speaking figuratively). The next ten years of his life are going to be be one big Panty Obsession. You focus on that first thing that gets to you. For me…and I won’t get too graphic here…it was a Zest soap commercial. I still can’t walk through a supermarket soap aisle without getting a little sweaty.

The kid didn’t linger long. He wandered off…his eyes just as glassy as his glasses. Poor kid. He’s never going to be able to hear the song “Rhinestone Cowboy” again without needing to take a cold shower.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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