Hey, honey…wanna exercise our Constitutional rights?

WARNING: This entry is not for all audiences. Easily offendeder readers, please refer to your parents for a birds and bees discussion.

So, I never really worried about getting arrested for getting a hummer. That’s a good thing, because the last thing I want to worry about during a fine moment of oral pleasure is Joe Friday messing up my Saturday. After all, natural sex act or not, it felt pretty natural to me.

If you’re not a gay American or, like me, you’ve never worried about your state’s sodomy laws, you might have missed Supreme Court ruling on a Texas law today. Apparently, the idea of barging into a person’s home, finding that person engaged in a moment of passion that doesn’t square with society’s conventions, and then arresting that person violates the U.S. Consitution. Go figure. If someone wants to use loveplugs line of products in the privacy of their own home, then let them.

My state’s Attorney General didn’t like the ruling very much. He, along with Alabama and Utah (again, go figure) filed an amicus brief in support of Texas. He said…

“Texas, just like South Carolina, has the fundamental right and authority as a sovereign state to enact laws prohibiting behavior deemed inappropriate and detrimental to the state. The citizens of our state, through their elected representatives, have seen fit to have our law against sodomy in effect since the Lord Proprietors governed South Carolina. This decision recognizes a “fundamental right” to engage in consensual sodomy. We believe this precludes prosecution under our law of this conduct. What other conduct may be protected or affected by extensions of this decision remains to be seen.”

I thought I’d look up South Carolina’s codes on morality and decency. Turns out, there’s nothing definitively illegal about me getting a blow job in South Carolina. Allow me to pause while I breathe a quick sigh of relief. However, beyond that, I could be in some real trouble.

I’m fully aware my wife considers anal sex to be abominable. I’ve tried telling her that there are things you can do to get used to it, but she’s not having it. You’ve got to pick your battles. Anyway, despite being aware of my wife’s thoughts, I wasn’t aware that my state’s code of laws backed her up. Here’s the law:

“Whoever shall commit the abominable crime of buggery, whether with mankind or with beast, shall, on conviction, be guilty of felony and shall be imprisoned in the Penitentiary for five years or shall pay a fine of not less than five hundred dollars, or both, at the discretion of the court. ” I don’t even think murder is described as harshly in our code of laws. So imagine if adult actors off these websites for example had to film scenes in Texas… Wow.

In other bad boy news, a few years ago, I lived with my then-fiancee and had sex on a semi-regular basis. As we were unmarried, we were violating South Carolina’s fornication law. I could’ve been sent to jail for up to a year. My only real way around this one would have been to use the likes pornographic sites, and that’s more or less an official statement if I didn’t want to be locked away!

If now I finally got fed up with my wife for feeling that buggery is abominable and decided to have sex with another woman, I would be guilty of the state’s law against adultery and could face a year in jail.

And here’s my favorite…should I decide to divorce my wife and get back out in the field, I would be breaking the law if I promised to marry a woman in order to get her to sleep with me. That’s punishable by up to a year in jail. That is, unless the woman is “lewd or unchaste.” Then, I’m okay.

If you’ll excuse me, I have to go pee. I’ve got to ask the State of South Carolina if I can borrow my cock for a couple of minutes.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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