Ride this

I’m not one to hop on or start a bandwagon. However, The Unrepentant Texan came up with a clever idea a few days ago. Frankly, I thought I’d like to try one on for myself. The idea…build your own backstage hospitality rider like any big star would. The question…what’s in your dressing room? Here’s mine:

OTIS’ Dressing Room

PURCHASER will be required to set up PERFORMER’s dressing room at the venue as follows. Perfomer does not require star treatment and will perform for a few beers and a couple of listeners. Anything on this list will elicit hugging, kissing, and perhaps a few inappropriately copped feels.

Furnishings required (all of the following must be structurally sound and free from vomit)

One (1) sectional sofa, long enough on both ends to sleep two comfortably, and three if two of the people are hooking up.

One (1) poker table, five (5) chairs, 150 multi-colored poker chips, four (4) new decks of playing cards (two red, two blue)

Two (2) bathrooms

One (1) copy of the local newspaper, lifestyle and classified sections removed

One laptop computer with high-speed internet connection

One stereo (portable stereos are unacceptable) with multi-disc CD player

One big screen television with DirecTV or some reasonable facsimile thereof.

Six can/bottle coozies (red)

One full-sized fridge with freezer and ice maker.

Six (6) glass rocks glasses.

Two (2) acoustic guitars with new strings (guitars may be rented for the evening, but must be of exceptional and professional quality)

One (1) lined composition book.

Map of local bars with dives and live music venues highlighted

FOOD and DRINK

One (1) case of Diet Coke or Diet Mountain Dew, cold.

Six (6) packages of Sweet Tarts (Spree may be substituted. Chewy Spree may not)

Three (3) pounds of chicken wings (Performer prefers Chief’s Original Hot from Greenville, SC)

One (1) box of sweet cereal (Apple Jacks, Fruit Loops, and Corn Pops preferred)

One (1) case of Bud Lite beer, extra cold.

One (1) full bottle of Johnny Walker red label scotch.

One (1) case of bottled water.

One (1) bottle of pain killers (generic brands accepted)

One (1) box of 12-hour acid reducer (Rolaids, Tums, an other chewables are not accepted)

DINNER

Weekday dinners may come from the best Chinese, Mexican, or American Steakhouse eatery in town. Each dinner must contain an optional chicken dish to pacify the performer’s Communist wife.

Friday dinners must be a seafood buffet for the entire crew. Stone crab, gulf shrimp, and Low Country Boil are preferred.

Saturday is Porterhouse night on the tour. All steaks must be cooked to a perfect medium rare. Six larges steak knives must accompnay plate. A1 Steak sauce must be provided in the event your chefs suck. Baked potatoes and green beans are suitable side dishes. One grilled chicken breast and a copy of the Communist Manifesto must be made available for performer’s wife. For an explanation of how his wife’s reluctance to eat beef and pork is related to her Communism, see performer after half the bottle of Johnny Red is gone.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *