2005, a year for dressing like Mr. T

I’m not the kind of guy to make New Year’s resolutions. They are no more than a tool by which we can hate ourselves more than we already do. Not only do we already suck on a thousand different levels, we choose to doom ourselves to failure by resolving to accomplish impossible tasks.

Fortunately, an advertising agency with which I have an inadequate relationship has solved all my problems. The agency is famous for its clever holiday greeting cards. This year the ad wizards have allowed me to lampoon resolutions without having to try.

The card is designed like a Mad-Lib. The front of the card has a few holes and instructions on how to fill it in with names, objects, etc. After filling mine out in the car this morning, this is how it turned out.

In the year 2005, I resolve to work on my appearance. I’m going to get a mullet haircut to draw attention away from my hips. I’m also going to start dressing like Mr. T and eating peaches every day.

I’ll shower four times a day, scrubbing with a toothbruth and Mr. Clean for the really dirty parts. Or maybe I’ll just get a nosejob.

I also resolve to visit Fark.com less than 20 times a day and I’ll quit signing Marty up for those naughty websites.

Have a snarky New Year.

Now, those are some resolutions I can guaran-damn-tee ya I won’t be meeting. With the exception of dressing up like Mr. T and eating some peaches. Because that just sounds like fun.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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