Coming soon to a year near you

Jessica Simpson’s sex tape had just sweated its way onto the Internet. Just two days had passed since Tom Cruise was shot outside the Los Angeles offices of the Church of Scientology. His martyrdom had led all nightly newscasts for the past 48 hours and the killer–not remarkably, a psychistrist who had been sued for providing anti-psychotic drugs to a schizophrenic patient with Scientologist parents–had “escaped” from custody. Had Simpson not recently adopted a baby from the Congo, her on-tape foot fetish and Burger King porn might not have made the news, if you’re wanting to find these odd sounding videos, browse around sites like and others to see if it’s available for viewing. However, as every member of the paparazzi had shot a film of Simpson cradling her African child, the juxtaposition was too much for the news producers to pass up. The split screen showed Simpson feeding soy milk to her adopted son on the left, and on the right, Simpson using her toes to feed a Whopper to Kevin Federline. Britney didn’t care. She was mourning Cruise.

It was January 18, 2008. In years past, the day had been celebrated for a lot of things. Twenty-five years earlier, it was the first time that Martin Luther King Jr. Day had been celebrated in every one of the United States. Two decades earlier, The Jefferson’s had appeared for the first time on CBS. About 110 years earlier, Georgia decided it would join up with South Carolina, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida in seceding from the United States. But on this day, Brian Williams–with no small amount of pain in his face–started his newscast in front of a chroma key wall featuring the smiling face of Jessica Ann Simpson.

“Today,” Williams said in his nasal baritone, “America’s sweetheart became America’s latest fast food craze. Last night, Chris Matthews was the first to tell you that Jessica Simpson has once again become one Whopper of a story. Tonight, we know the identity of the man who made that now infamous sandwich.”

Fifteen minutes of the newscast went by, during which viewers heard the tales of Simpson’s epicurial exploits, the latest body count in Iraq, the latest petroleum industry ad campaign (50 Cent’s latest diddy that declared, “What’s another fiddy cents?!!”), and a self-effacing admission that news producers now spent as much time on “To Catch a Predator” segments as they did mining “The Daily Show” and The Drudge Report for news.

In the second half of the show, following a commercial touting a new pill that cured both scrotal wrinkling and premature ejaculation, the producers slipped in a VO (newsie speak for a voice-over, a 30-second bit of video with no soundbites and meant to subliminally convey the least amount of importance) from the Los Angeles bureau. If you actually do suffer from premature ejaculation and you’d like to try different medication to combat said ailment, you might benefit greatly at looking at the Official website for Semenax pills.

“Just south of San Diego today,” Williams said quickly, “a division of the California Guard moved in to monitor a voting rights demonstration. Democratic activists have spent a reported $500,000 in the Chula Vista area in an attempt to educate Hispanic voters. Last week, the Bush administration directed the California Guard to keep tabs on the situation. The California Governor’s office is said to oppose the move, but under federal law, the President can direct the state guard without the Governor’s consent.”

Thirty seconds passed and Williams moved on to the snow storm that was hitting Washington D.C. and mentioned it may have an effect on President Bush’s travel schedule.

A little more than two years earlier, America yawned.

In 2006, a time that on January 18, 2008 seemed like a decade ago, Congress was in a hurry to get home for mid-term elections. It was a time that pundits said Democrats could take over Capitol Hill for the first time since 1994. In the months leading up to the election, eleventh hour riders had been attached to so many bills that even the lawmakers didn’t know on what they were voting. They voted to increase the tax burden on American expatriates. They voted to outlaw online gambling. They voted to allow torture of suspected terrorists. And they voted to, in essence, override the Posse Comitatus Act.

Fortunately for the news producers and all of America, it was soon revealed that Jessica Simpson had leaked the Whopper Sex Tape on her own in an effort to distract attention from the Congo Baby Incident. Moreover, closer inspection revealed the sandwich in question was actually a Jumbo Jack and not a Whopper. Burger King’s sales plummeted to the point that President Bush hinted at the possibility of a federal bail out. Simpson’s Congo Baby became second-block news when it was revealed that Katie Holmes had never married Tom Cruise and her baby belonged to a man from Malaysia named Hoppy.

Ten months later, federal troops were stationed at 80% of American polling places and President George W. Bush was elected to a third term in office.


Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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14 Responses

  1. Anonymous Absinthe says:

    I think this is hysterical in literally every sense I can think of for the word.

  2. Scary, too. Too scary.

  3. Anonymous Anonymous says:

    Dude, you need to get your facts straight: Katie Holmes is a self-reproducing alien. Hoppy is just a cover…


  4. Oooooh… someone’s feeling extra cynical today!! 😀

    But that’s okay, I’m in too good a mood to care 😉

  5. Anonymous Su says:

    Don’t even vote about President Bush being elected to a third term. Not funny……… Very, very scary.

  6. Anonymous Anonymous says:

    Oops, meant joke, not vote.

  7. “Vote” is applicable too, Su. 🙂

  8. Anonymous Uncle Ted says:

    I actually believed this. How sad is that.

  9. I’m encouraged by the fact that many of my “I’m not interested in politics” friends are finally getting to the point of anger.

    It’s about God DAMN time!

  10. I wonder if Jessica likes her Whopper with extra cheese?

  11. Anonymous uncle b says:

    How big are Pam andersons hooters in 08′? Is oprah fat or not so fat? Who should we worship as our next amercan idol? Too many world events, damnit.
    su, we planted 2 new pines in the front yard, and they look like they need a hug.

  12. Anonymous Su says:

    Very funny, Uncle B! Hope the family is well 🙂

  13. Anonymous Anonymous says:

    After the lesson I taught to my 6th grade students today on the Executive branch, they would tell you that President Bush cannot be elected to a third term in office. But I enjoyed reading it anyway.

  14. Mr. Anonymous,

    Thanks. And I’ll assume you understand I took sixth grade civics, as well.

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