Super Wednesday

Poultry Primary to continue as two-bird race

Within a period of one hour last night, Blogger ended my 16-hour Super Tuesday blog, my kid woke up with some sort of freak-out, and a friend showed up at my front door. He shoved his daughter into my living room, held up a video camera, and said, “Full documentation.” He got his wife to the hospital just in time to have a second little girl, this time with no time for happy drugs.

I made it to sleep by about 4am and have risen to realize the Democratic race is only now about to get exciting. More on that soon. However, I also realized that the Democratic primary was not the only contest left unfinished. As I said in the waning moments of the Super Tuesday Live Blog, Bone-In Ribeye won the Beef Primary. The Poultry Primary, however, is still going.

Despite a late surge, Deep Fried Turkey said early this morning it will end is candidacy. “I think I probably failed to realize how fickle the American public can be. Come Thanksgiving, everybody will want a piece of me. Unfortunately, Thankgiving comes after Election Day. America is just not ready for the whole bird.” Before leaving the stage, Deep Fried Turkey offered his endorsement to Buffalo Wing. “When it comes down to it,” DFT said, “we’re pretty close to the same thing. Except, Wing goes better with beer.” DFT then left the stage, his security detail and a huge bottle of peanut oil close behind.

This morning, the spin from the remainining candidacies has been hard to follow. Here are just a couple of snippets from each candidate’s campaigns.

My friends of a feather, I ask that we come together in the spirit of unity. Ribeye has been chosen to represent the Beef party while we sit in the coop undecided. Ribeye is a good steak. It is hearty and satisyfing, no doubt, but it does not represent what the American eating public is about. It is not the food of the common man, sitting in front of his TV during the Super Bowl, the World Series or the NBA finals. It is not being served with pitcher of beers but with fancy wines. It is not representative of what the working man can afford to eat during their sporting events.

It is time to get out of the henhouse and into the smokehouse. It is time for us to fully endorse the Buffalo Wing to be our candidate!

The Buffalo Wing has a history of uniting the people. It was in the early days when the wing itself teamed up with the drumstick to become one. Now, the breaded and naked come together, as do the sauce and sauceless. Hooters, Buffalo Wild Wings, and KFC are united in the backing of the wing as our candidate.

Buffalo Wings are a nation’s food. Easy to prepare, affordable, great with beer, it is a food of the people. Whether a busty babe is setting a platter of 911 breaded wings in front of you or the BW3’s girl is serving those tasty spicy garlic drummies, it is the chicken that goes with everything.

And we don’t offer empty slogans. We offer the truth. Hooters make you happy! Are we wrong? NO! We need your vote today. BW3’s sums it up, You Have to Be Here!

Back us today, Buffalo Wing for the Poultry Party!

StB, campaign manager for Buffalo Wing

Some have said we were afraid…chicken even…to run in this election. But we are not afraid. We are here to ruffle feathers. We will not waiver against these Turkeys. Make no bones about it, buffalo wing supporters. We are letting our Fingers do the walking…all the way to the White House…because no matter how many bad eggs are out there…the CHICKEN…COMES…FIRST!

Richard Cluck (P), Tennessee (aka Uncle Ted), state campaign chair for Chicken Fingers

With two candidates left, it is up to you to decide who will face Bone-In Ribeye in November. Polls are open. Vote in the comments now. Polls close at 9am Thursday.

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Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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8 Responses

  1. I believe I voted yesterday, but just to be clear: my vote goes to Buffalo Wings.

    I’m still allowed to vote despite being one of those pesky foreigners, right?

  2. Vote Lamb, the Libertarian of delectable electables.

  3. What?? Are ye blind? Do you not see where true leadership lies? What truly has the ability to bring both sides together in a spirit of battered unity covered in a gravy of inspiration unequaled by mere hot sauce or A1?

    I must put forth my write-in candidate – the hearty independent:

    Chicken-Fried Steak.

    C’mon, peoples, there can be no other choice. Grade A or otherwise.

  4. Can I waffle my choice for the next eight hours?

    Will beer commit to being the Wing’s running mate?

    Who shot JR?!!?!?!

  5. On a wing and a prayer, I’m going to try and finger this out.

    More beer!

    Wait! Isn’t beer already on the side of….

    Alright, Wings it is! We in the North totally throw our support behind candidate Wings.

    The true North Spicey and Crispy!

    In our corner, we also have the “Red Hot” Senator from “Frank’s,” who has offered to cover everything candidate Wings has to offer.

    Congress woman “Hooters” has offered her support, by saying she’d proudly carry the message of wings, (with her chest held high)
    to every man in America if she has to.

  6. Wings! in a landslide…

  7. Anonymous Anonymous says: