Bad SEO! Bad!

If you’ve ever sat back and wondered how that guy down the street seems to make so much money with what he calls “Work on his website,” you’re probably not familiar with Search Engine Optimization, known in most computer circles as SEO. Frankly, if you’re one of those people who makes money in more traditional ways, there is no reason for you to know about it. It’s black magic quasi-science practiced by pornographers and theives around the world.

Because I sometimes walk in undesirable circles, I occasionally come in contact with these new world shamans and hear their stories. It’s enough to make a man’s intestines knot up and his gut to turn to marmalade. I’ll try to keep this as family friendly as possible.

SEO is the reason you see what you do when you when you run a search on Google. The battle for the #1 spot on Google is like something you’d see in a Mad Max movie. You either choose to work with a SEO company or you don’t – but not working with one can be the end of your business… Most modern businesses have ventured into the world of SEO, perhaps with something like the Whitehat Search Engine Optimisation SEO Services Packages. If all the characters battled over computers and never left their underground bunkers for fear of losing Google Ground. There’s so much more to it then people realise. For example, you should check out this helpful idea: http://www.johntking.com/check-bulk-urls-google-sheets/. This is only a small part to using SEO but it could be helpful. Some of these evil alchamists are blatant about it (like the drug dealer who works on a street corner). Others play themselves off as real people while secretly playing the Wizard of Oz role from behind the curtain. In the end, it’s all about money. These days, a 21-year-old kid with eight or nine hours a day to kill can make a million bucks in short order doing porn SEO in his parents’ basement. I won’t even get into what poker people make or how they make it.

This blog, such as it is, is not well-optimized. It’s a mess of bad code, poor SEO, and often shoddy writing. I know this, because I keep tabs on these things. I like to know how bad I’m doing. I’m constantly amazed at how bad my SEO really is. Here are some of the top search terms that bring people to Rapid Eye Reality.

  • Robyn naked–You would be surprised how many people search the internet for this phrase. Four years ago this month I wrote a little post that was, in part, about skinnydipping and a girl I knew in high school named Robyn. Somehow, I don’t think that’s what Google searchers are looking for.
  • Sports nipple slips–Maybe it’s just me getting old, but the entire concept of getting turned on by a nipple slipping out is not my bag. For a lot of people, though, it’s the bees knees.
  • Guy on guy action–Damn, it. This one was probably my own fault, but it’s still a little off-putting. For a while, I thought I’d been Google Bombed by this phrase (I have some friends who are just evil enough to do that kind of thing). Then I realized that my headline writing skills had gotten the better of me. At the time, it seemed really funny to title a post Hot Guy on Guy Action. Not so much anymore.
  • So, a word to all the parents out there…if you catch your teen searching for porn on the internet, be happy. If he wasn’t distracted by the naughty bits on the computer screen, he might turn into an SEO medicine man. Try explaining that at your next cocktail party.

    Brad Willis

    Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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    8 Responses

    1. BG says:

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    2. KenP says:

      I’ve given up on following that stuff but the searches were similar. Being inventive with a dash of double meaning attracts a strange group.

      Think of those who might have done a thoughtful piece on the recent suicide. You throw in a few references to various indiscretions and you’re a SEO’s dream. Doesn’t get much sicker.

    3. MGM says:

      Yeah, well…as the first girl you “spent the night with,” I was pretty naive that I never noticed that while you were with me, you were busy groping Robyn with your eyes. I note she got a whole lotta words in this “memorable” moment of yours. I, however, got the mere reference of being the girl you were with…the one who apparently DIDN’T turn your head. Which leaves me wondering why you were with me at all? “Spending the night together” amounted to some making out, but unlike Robyn, I wasn’t THAT kind of girl. On second thought, no wonder you were lusting after her.

      I always thought I had big hair. Alas, Robyn’s was bigger. Oh, wait…it wasn’t her hair you were looking at? Perhaps it was something else that was bigger than mine?

      The really sucky part about your own description of this memory is that I remember the night fairly well, but the thing that stuck the most with me about this experience was the next morning when you were taking me home in the convertible Cougar. The top was down and Spring was in the air. Out of the clear blue, and with no warning, you pulled the Cougar over to the shoulder, jumped out of the car, and picked a flower for me. Then you said something totally sappy as you presented it to me. I thought you were totally romantic, but the truth is you were just a horny little bastard perhaps feeling a bit guilty about your wanderlust, eh?

      I’m just giving you a hard time (no pun intended, because obviously it was ROBYN who gave you the “hard” time and not me). I actually read this post about four years ago.

      Honestly, I’m amused at your recounting of the event, and your confession about Robyn. I just had to give you some crap about it. And yet, I must say that hearing what was really going on in your head that night kinda ruins my own memory of the experience.

      Teenage boys most DEFINITELY think differently than teenage girls.

      (BTW, do you ever wish you never gave the web address for this blog?)

    4. Buckeyetimmy says:

      Get up’pa
      ……get on up
      grab a flow-wah
      ……get on up
      you gave it to her
      ……get on up
      so romantic
      ……get on up
      Get up’pa
      ……get on up
      ya horny dog
      ……get on up
      so busted
      ……get on up
      so busted
      ……get on up
      MGM’ah
      ……get on up
      MGM’ah
      ……get on up
      Get up’pa
      ……get on up
      Get up’pa
      ……get on up

    5. joaquinochoa says:

      Wow…WTF? Who is MGM? I’m all mixed up? Do you know MGM, Otis? Please don’t tell me that you ruined the romance for this girl on her special night. I’m still mixed up…explain please.

    6. MGM says:

      joaquinochoa,

      it’s all a ruse. i’m just some creepy internet stalker chick dragging otis’ skeletons out of his closet for him.

      no really. he knows i’m a regular reader and have been for four years. he invited me here personally (though he may be sorry about that now).

      otis didn’t actually ruin the romance for me until i read the actual entry he linked in this post about four years ago. there are a couple posts from long ago in which i think he anonymously references me. i may be naive, but i still think he was into me…even on “that” night. otis was a gem. apparently the “dark days” of otis came a few years later. we lost touch except for a brief visit when we were both in college. and then we lost touch again.

      i would have been crushed if i had known that night that he was ogling robyn’s breasts even though he was supposed to be exclusively committed to me. fourteen years later, however, i think i can handle it.

      alas, we were young and stupid. some of us young (he was a sophomore that year, and i was a senior), and some of us stupid (just kidding).

      hey, it was a long time ago. we only dated for a few months. i do think otis was sincere when he was with me. he accepted my senior key, after all. then i went off to college and turned a little wild and bohemian and otis’ mom told him she thought i looked weird after that. otis hadn’t yet entered the wild and bohemian life, which apparently he caught up to later.

      sometime in the middle of all this, otis dumped me–right before his high school homecoming dance, which he had invited me to. i was coming down from college in st. louis for it. on top of that, he dumped me for a FRESHMAN! bah! i was devastated. i had been spending all my quarters that were supposed to go into the dorm washing machines on long distance phone calls to him (hey, that was long before cell phones were common place and back when you needed a wheelbarrow to carry them around anyway).

      oh well…if he hadn’t dumped me then he would have eventually dumped me for the chick he started banging in her mauve bedroom in her parents’ house. i never liked that girl. i believe she lived right around the corner from where i had lived before i went away from college, which is kind of weird. anyway, i still wasn’t that kind of girl. at least not until the end of my first year of college.

      besides, he now has mrs. otis, whom i consider my own personal friend even though i’ve never met her outside of blogger. and anyway, mrs. otis is waaaaaaaaay cooler than i am. and if otis had been with mrs. otis that night fourteen years ago, he probably wouldn’t have been ogling robyn’s breasts that night in the first place.

      now if otis had been into butts, well, i may have been able to give robyn some competition. at least according to the “butt men” i dated in the years that followed.

      i had the good fortune of knowing otis in those young and tender years. we were both aspiring writers under the tutelage of the same high school creative writing teacher. we lost touch during those “dark years” he describes that came later. but apparently he came back around to his good character and good senses. it appears that he is an awesome husband and dad now, and i have to believe that if he were checking out some other woman’s breasts while he was on a date with mrs. otis, that he would never never never post about it on his blog.

      otis, i hope this is all in good fun and i haven’t offended you by sharing memories from back in the day….if i have, well then just tell everyone i’m some crazy internet chick who is stalking you. i’m sure everyone will believe you over me anyway.

      peace!

    7. andy says:

      Firstly MGM get your own blog cause no one cares here and if they do they have too much time to kill.

      Ok AND Otis you chat a lot of shit mate. your actually talking about Black Hat SEO. gambelling and porna re very hard to do seo on as these sites are penalized by google.

      regular sites such as mine and yours SEO is an hour each working day to maintain positions and progress other keywords..

      i have no idea why you think its bad but most of this page is bolloks .

    8. Da Goddess says:

      you just reminded me — I need to write about my breasts again if I ever hope to bring my stats up.

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