Jesus made me do it

Here on Mt. Otis, we are some of the worst excuse makers around. Ask my kid why he did something bad, and he’ll respond, “Because I did.” Ask the wife why she’s acting like a young Linda Blair, she says, “Because I need to eat.” Ask me why I roll in so late at night, and more often than not, the excuse is either “I didn’t realize how late it was” or “You’d have to understand one of the first rules of poker.”

I don’t think we suck as bad as the lady from Marietta, though. Just a few miles north of town is a little unincorporated area that’s home to some very good people and, to be fair, some of the more proud rednecks in the state. Donna Redding lived there until just recently. That is, she lived there until she (allegedly) offed her common law husband and ended up in Greenville city proper in the Detention Center. Welcome to town, ma’am.

Redding is said to have grabbed a shotgun and put a big hole in Gary Parnell’s stomach. This apparently happened after they argued about whether to listen to country or rock music. Apparently the debate grew even more heated once they couldn’t decide who was going to roll a fresh joint.

According to investigators, Redding is a devout Christian who, at her interrogation later, began quoting a great deal of scripture. However, Redding apparently skipped the part about hating the sin but loving the sinner. Futher, she must have missed the few verses in the bible about forgivenes and such.

That is, sayeth the cops and local newspaper, Redding was so incensed about the whole George Jones vs. Motely Crue debate, and so further worked up over her hubby’s laziness in joint rolling, and, verily, aghast at his taking the Lord’s name in vain, that she went off and shot the dude in the stomach and left him to die.

I should be clear that Redding is not representative of the good people of faith in this community. I should also be clear, however, that she came up with one doozy of an excuse. That’s right. Instead of blaming her husband, herself, the weed, the Satanic music, or Satan, the cops say Redding fingered old Christ himself. Indeed, to quote:

“Jesus told me to do it.”

Bravo, ma’am. You win this year’s prize for Worst Excuse for Murder 2008.

This is why I don’t let my kid read the newspaper. As soon as he starts coloring on the walls and blaming JC for it, I’m going to have to give up.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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4 Responses

  1. Annie says:

    Having a bad day and this cracked me up.

    Best!
    Annie

  2. skip says:

    I think you’re giving humanity too much credit by going ahead and assigning the prize for worst murder excuse now, what with so much time remaining in the year, and so many stupid people on the planet…

  3. Proto says:

    Gotta keep momma happy, and if that means listening to jesus’s favorite music, then let her listen, and you leave. Sure aint’ worth death by double barrel. The choices some folk make.

  4. Da Goddess says:

    At least they weren’t fighting over which was better: country or western.

    I totally thought you were going there.

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