I know who I am!
I am often described as self-deprecating, self-loathing, and self-abusive. I cannot deny these assertions, because I am one more thing. I am also self-aware. I know who I am. Show me the naked silhouette...
Monthly Archive: July 2008
My youth for sale
In the summer of 1994, I was a waiter at a place called El Chico. I was a good–if very clumsy–waiter. The tyrannical manager, a 40-something woman who needed desperately to get laid or...
Baby Daddy
My wife walked in the door. I said what I normally say before getting up from my comfortable chair. “Hey, baby. You need any help?” She’s always carrying something. Groceries. A sleeping kid. The...
Otis, the Lime Tosser
What did I do in Las Vegas for entertainment? See a show? Go to a club? Helicopter flight over the Grand Canyon? Nope, I took fifteen minutes at the end of most nights to...
The G-woman did it
I know that there were several of you who were interested in the case of the vacationing FBI agent who was robbed by a couple of out-of-state thugs. Well, there is finally something that...
Front row
There used to be a day when I didn’t have very much money. By that, I mean if there was any money left over after paying bills and eating, it was usually enough to...
Guns, Ammo, Bridal Registry
What you see below is an un-doctored picture taken by my brother just outside Union, Missouri. I don’t think it needs any further comment from me. You, however, are more than welcome to hit...
One second
I slammed on the brakes and came to a hard stop in the middle of Chick Springs Road. I was sweating from four miles of semi-hiking through some park trails. My iPod was blaring...
Insight into my frustration
If I’ve seemed a little frustrated over the past couple of years, I apologize. I get that way sometimes. While I’m an emotional guy, I’m also rational to a fault and base a majority...
Go crazy with me
Pretend we’ve just had six beers apiece. Pretend we’re sitting in a bar where you can actually hear me talk and the only one interrupting us is the bartender, and he only wants to...
When the grass is just fine
A couple of weeks ago, I stood in the lobby of the Palms Hotel and Casino and pretended I was a big shot for a little while. Somebody hung an All-Access pass around my...
How I spent my summer “vacation”
“Oh, it must be so exciting!” That’s what people say when I tell them I spent my summer in Las Vegas. “You must use Tower Loan to be able to afford that?!” That’s what...
Wherein I squeal like a pig
Along Highway 76, better known as Longcreek Highway, there sits a bridge that goes nowhere. It’s covered in kudzu and branches out from the main asphalt in such a way that even a first-time...
Tom Green goes home
It was the middle of the morning or middle of the night. Describing the actual time is pointless. It was simply one of those moments in Vegas when the sun isn’t up and people...