The Salad with the Dirty Name

I was going to make chicken enchiladas tonight, and I probably would have if I hadn’t walked into the kitchen and seen a pear in the snack bowl. That’s always where things get weird for me. If I handled relationships the same way I handle cooking, I’d probably have a lot of venereal diseases and more than one alimony payment per month. My wallet, my wife, and my crotch, I’m sure, are happy that I have found a way to compensate.

So, the pear. There was one left. I had three chicken breasts, half a pound of bacon, a quarter cup of walnuts, and other assorted stuff in the fridge. Within an hour, I’d whipped up something that had me talking dirty to my wife. I made so many comparisons to the salad’s merits and our relationship, I’m surprised she didn’t blush. Actually, I’m not. I’m pretty sure my wife made Larry Flynt uncomfortable one night.

So, here’s how it turned out. And don’t go asking me, “Well, why did you do this instead of that?” because I did everything based on the fact I haven’t been to the grocery store in a week and what you see here was all I had left. I generally don’t publish recipes, but I think you’ll enjoy this and, well, it’s barely a recipe anyway. It’s just a bunch of stuff thrown together in a very dirty way.

I’m listing it here exactly as I made it to serve three people.

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The Salad With Names So Dirty I Won’t Type Them

3 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
1/2 lb bacon
1/4 c. chopped walnuts
4 cups baby lettuce and radicchio (or whatever greens you have)
3 flour tortillas
1 pear
8 raspberries
8 strawberries
1/2 cup grated pepper jack cheese
1/4 red onion
Brown sugar
Soy sauce
Sake
Cider vinegar
Ground ginger
Onion powder
Garlic salt
Kosher salt
Black pepper
Black sesame seeds
Olive oil
Butter

1. Pound chicken breasts flat and marinate in mixture of cider vinegar, soy sauce, sake, ginger, sesame seeds, salt, and pepper. Let marinate for at least half an hour (two hours would be better).

2. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees and bake bacon and walnuts together on a flat/cookie pan until bacon is crispy. Reserve 1-2 tablespoons of bacon grease. Let bacon and walnuts cool.

3. Slice pear in 1/4 inch slices, brush with olive oil, and sprinkle with kosher salt and brown sugar.

4. Slice red onion in 1/4 inch slices, brush with olive oil, kosher salt, and black pepper.

5. Over hot charcoal grill, cook chicken until juices run clear, and onion and pears until tender.

6. While grilling, muddle raspberries and then whisk with leftover bacon grease, two table spoons of olive oil, dash of onion powder, dash of garlic salt, dash of ground ginger, and two tablespoons of cider vinegar.

7. Cut tortillas into 3-4 inch rectangles, brush with melted butter, sprinkle with brown sugar. Put in 350 degree oven on greased cookie sheet until sugar has melted and tortillas are crispy.

8. Chop bacon and walnuts together and toss with greens, shredded cheese, and raspberry dressing.

9. When grilling is finished, slice chicken breasts into 1 inch pieces. Chop pears and onions into one inch pieces.

10. Put dressed salad, bacon, walnuts into large bowls and ring with the crispy brown sugar tortillas. Top salad with chicken, grilled pears, grilled onions, and sliced strawberries. Serve immediately.

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Again, this isn’t so much a recipe as a leftover food orgy. But it was good and had my wife nearly blushing. Nearly.

I will probably make it again. If better prepared next time, I think I’ll sub bleu cheese crumbles for the pepper jack.

Dirty, naughty salad.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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4 Responses

  1. Astin says:

    Terrible. I’d never eat it. Granted, that might be due to my loathing of the anaphylactic shock I get when eating walnuts. No food is worth an overnight in the ER with a benadryl and steroids fighting it out for control of your body.

    And if you added bleu cheese? Well… I just don’t like that 🙂

    Otherwise, a fine sounding salad, by whatever filthy, dehumanizing names you choose to give it.

  2. April says:

    I’d eat it, but likely giggle throughout the entire meal.

  3. KenP says:

    I’m with Astin but don’t have an allergy. I’ve never been a Cobb salad fan; especially when crossed with ‘gourmet’ tex-mex. If I’m eating she-she foods, I’ll take the grease loaded sauces — Bearnaise or Mole — over that nouveau crap that so in today. Put it back in your pants and go grill like a man.

    However, I am willing to stop by and watch April giggling uncontrollably. I’ll just pick up a sack of White Castles for myself.

    P.S. I’m surprise your nuts weren’t burned when you left them in so long that the bacon crisped. Glad they were walnuts though. If they were pine nuts, I’d fear you were lost to the Yuppie dark side. And you avoided their cliche use of Pecans because local is always better mantra. I’m pretty sure you’ll be allowed back in Missouri without a green card.

  4. KenP says:

    Sorry, checked with the Missouri border patrol. When I mentioned raspberry vinaigrette…well…don’t try to run the road block.

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