Vasectomy in pictures
When I go to foreign countries in which I don’t speak the language, I often depend on contextual clues to make sure I don’t end up in an uncomfortable situation. For instance, in Argentina I stayed away from a place called “Friends” because…well, it looked like a whore house and not a hair salon or coffee shop. Context is king. I returned home with a nasty cold, but not herpes. A win in my book (and pants).
After my hand-wringing post, Snip, you might have thought I had given up on the idea of having my vas deferens snipped, cauterized and tied off, all for the sake of not accidentally having any more children. You would be so, so wrong. Yesterday, I went in for my first consultation with the urologist. Upon my arrival, a nurse said, “You’re here for this?” and handed me what can best be described as a vasectomy tract.
An English reader could clearly see the capital “VASECTOMY” at the top and the smaller words “Permanent Birth Control for Men” at the bottom. As I sat there having my blood pressure checked (120 over 74, thank you very much), I wondered how someone from another country might deal with the brochure contextually. First off, there are several pictures of erect or semi-erect penises in the tract, one of which looks to have a bow tied around the testicles. The other photos, however, are a little less leading, and when asked, “Are you here for this?” someone who doesn’t read English well might just nod. That could turn out to be a very painful and probably permanent mistake.
Here are some of the illustrations from the pamphlet and how I think they could be interpreted. At the very least, I would like to hear some actors do a dramatic reading of the following.
Man: Did you enjoy the roller coaster?
Woman: Not nearly as much as I enjoyed the updraft blowing up your shirt.
Man: Don’t try to flatter me. I just started working out again.
Woman: Oh, it’s not flattery. I’m just impressed with how big your breasts are. I mean, they’re bigger than mine.
Woman: Don’t get me wrong, breasts can be sexy on a man. Oh, and your shoes sort of clash with your shirt.
Man: I’m hungry.
Woman: I have a funnel cake under my dress.
Woman: I’m glad you like it. I wore these tights just for you.
Man: Really, anymore, I’m so fat, sweatshirts are the only thing that feel comfortable on me.
Woman: They’re the only thing that looks good on you, sweetie.
Man: Thanks, babe.
Woman: So, what do we do now that we’re sitting here in our socks, drinking coffee, and talking?
Man: Any chance you have a funnel cake in those tights?
Man: I don’t know anything about football, but that sounds good to me. Where is Tommy Herr going to go?
Doctor: Is there any chance you have ever considered experimenting with homosexuality?
Man: I’ve sort of had a problem with determining where experimenting ends and practicing begins.
Doctor: I can help you with that. I have a mustache.
Man: So, we don’t have to talk about football, then?
Doctor: To be honest, I don’t think we ever were. Do you like tapas?
Man: And, you don’t have to wear a veil. Don’t forget that part.
Woman: I brought some slices of apple to go with your two drinks. I hope that’s okay.
Man: Next time, try not to have any for yourself. You’re getting sort of big around the middle there.
Woman: Thanks for letting me know. You know I only wake up to serve you. If the way I look doesn’t please you, I might as well stay in bed.
Man: Speaking of that, I’m thinking about putting on some real shoes and getting a whore to join us in bed tonight.
Woman: Whatever makes you happy, honey.
Woman: Um…what was amazing?
Man: The sex, of course. Don’t be silly.
Woman: That was sex?
Man: I think so.
Woman: I don’t think so. I’m not even sure I have my pants off yet.
Man: I used one of these.
Woman: Yeah, but you put it on my breast.
Man: I thought that’s where it goes.
Woman: My god, where are the rest of them? Did you use the whole box?
Man: No. Of course not. I traded most of them to a guy at the state fair for a funnel cake his wife had under her dress.
Man: Do you have a cigarette? I think I’m supposed to have one after we have sex.
Woman: Seriously, I’m still wearing my pants.
Man: Do you think you’re pregnant?