Vasectomy in pictures

When I go to foreign countries in which I don’t speak the language, I often depend on contextual clues to make sure I don’t end up in an uncomfortable situation. For instance, in Argentina I stayed away from a place called “Friends” because…well, it looked like a whore house and not a hair salon or coffee shop. Context is king. I returned home with a nasty cold, but not herpes. A win in my book (and pants).

After my hand-wringing post, Snip, you might have thought I had given up on the idea of having my vas deferens snipped, cauterized and tied off, all for the sake of not accidentally having any more children. You would be so, so wrong. Yesterday, I went in for my first consultation with the urologist. Upon my arrival, a nurse said, “You’re here for this?” and handed me what can best be described as a vasectomy tract.

An English reader could clearly see the capital “VASECTOMY” at the top and the smaller words “Permanent Birth Control for Men” at the bottom. As I sat there having my blood pressure checked (120 over 74, thank you very much), I wondered how someone from another country might deal with the brochure contextually. First off, there are several pictures of erect or semi-erect penises in the tract, one of which looks to have a bow tied around the testicles. The other photos, however, are a little less leading, and when asked, “Are you here for this?” someone who doesn’t read English well might just nod. That could turn out to be a very painful and probably permanent mistake.

Here are some of the illustrations from the pamphlet and how I think they could be interpreted. At the very least, I would like to hear some actors do a dramatic reading of the following.

First discussion

Man: Did you enjoy the roller coaster?

Woman: Not nearly as much as I enjoyed the updraft blowing up your shirt.

Man: Don’t try to flatter me. I just started working out again.

Woman: Oh, it’s not flattery. I’m just impressed with how big your breasts are. I mean, they’re bigger than mine.

Man: (Silence)

Woman: Don’t get me wrong, breasts can be sexy on a man. Oh, and your shoes sort of clash with your shirt.

Man: I’m hungry.

Woman: I have a funnel cake under my dress.

Is it time?
vasectomy-2Man: This is nice. I miss the days when we used to sit around in our socks drinking coffee. We never get to wear these relaxing clothes anymore. And what is this? A futon? I mean, a futon!
Woman: I’m glad you like it. I wore these tights just for you.
Man: Really, anymore, I’m so fat, sweatshirts are the only thing that feel comfortable on me.
Woman: They’re the only thing that looks good on you, sweetie.
Man: Thanks, babe.
Woman: So, what do we do now that we’re sitting here in our socks, drinking coffee, and talking?
Man: Any chance you have a funnel cake in those tights?

Consulting a professional
vasectomy-3Doctor: So, you see, the way I’ve got it broken down, Favre as a first round pick is not out of the question. I can probably hold off until round 2, but no longer than that.
Man: I don’t know anything about football, but that sounds good to me. Where is Tommy Herr going to go?
Doctor: Is there any chance you have ever considered experimenting with homosexuality?
Man: I’ve sort of had a problem with determining where experimenting ends and practicing begins.
Doctor: I can help you with that. I have a mustache.
Man: So, we don’t have to talk about football, then?
Doctor: To be honest, I don’t think we ever were. Do you like tapas?

Taking it easy
vasectomy-4Woman: Hey, baby! You want another snack? It’s so good we live in a country where women can wait on men without fear of having to actually go to work ourselves.
Man: And, you don’t have to wear a veil. Don’t forget that part.
Woman: I brought some slices of apple to go with your two drinks. I hope that’s okay.
Man: Next time, try not to have any for yourself. You’re getting sort of big around the middle there.
Woman: Thanks for letting me know. You know I only wake up to serve you. If the way I look doesn’t please you, I might as well stay in bed.
Man: Speaking of that, I’m thinking about putting on some real shoes and getting a whore to join us in bed tonight.
Woman: Whatever makes you happy, honey.

Staying protected
vasectomy-5Man: That was amazing. Thank you.
Woman: Um…what was amazing?
Man: The sex, of course. Don’t be silly.
Woman: That was sex?
Man: I think so.
Woman: I don’t think so. I’m not even sure I have my pants off yet.
Man: I used one of these.
Woman: Yeah, but you put it on my breast.
Man: I thought that’s where it goes.
Woman: My god, where are the rest of them? Did you use the whole box?
Man: No. Of course not. I traded most of them to a guy at the state fair for a funnel cake his wife had under her dress.
Woman: (Silence)
Man: Do you have a cigarette? I think I’m supposed to have one after we have sex.
Woman: Seriously, I’m still wearing my pants.
Man: Do you think you’re pregnant?

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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14 Responses

  1. Chilly says:

    I can’t believe there were no photos of the dental tools.

    You need one of these:

  2. Darren says:

    Just have to thank you for the Tommy Herr reference.

  3. KenP says:

    1: Who’s that guy over there?
    2: I believe that is Otis
    1: Are you sure? I heard him referred to as Little Otis.
    2: I think I’m right; you hear it right?
    1: I’m sure I did. I play golf with his urologist.

  4. Mike D says:

    Hilairous…you just need Uncle Ted to play some theme music.

  5. Human Head says:

    Bravo, sir. That was excellent.

  6. Little Willie says:

    Is there a date of publication anywhere on this tract?

  7. the cougar says:

    This was awesome! Seriously, who considers the snip and has time to sit around and drink coffee… Much less sit around. Big question…Does snipping increase male breast size? And

  8. ToddCommish says:

    Since none of these guys have frozen peas wedged into their crotch, I’ll assume none of them have actually had the operation yet.

    And note the way the guy in the third photo is either giving the doc a reacharound or checking the doc for a hernia.

    Mmmmmm… funnel cakes.

  9. ToddCommish says:

    Some things to keep in mind:

    – Don’t fear the anesthetic, fear the tape. Mr. Happy will be taped to your belly to clear the danger zone and that tape will be removed at some point.

    – Make sure you explain to your toddlers that they have to ask before hugging Daddy for a little while. A three-year old’s head is at the exact WRONG height for a post-op hug. Trust me on this.

    – Don’t bring your iPod. You’ll NEED to hear what the doc is saying.

  10. otis says:

    Chilly–I requested no dental tools. The other option was very sharp rocks, which seemed very rock and roll.

    Darren–Herr is the father of second base as far as I’m concerned.

    Ken–I do the small junk jokes around here.

    Mike–Uncle Ted should surely have something ready by LEAF.


    Little Willie–Not one I could find.

    Cougar–Pretty sure that myth had been debunked. I believe the actual cause is realizing you are no longer a man who can reproduce and hence, no longer have to take care of yourself, and thus, moobs.

    Commish–Damned good advice across the board.

  11. Drizztdj says:

    I’ll throw one more piece of advice in, take whatever “relaxant” pill they offer before the procedure.

    I found myself gabbing away with the doctor and hot-as-all-get-out assistant the whole time without realizing all the junk carving they were doing.

    Literally felt like we were done before it began.

  12. The Wife says:

    The picture narratives were perfect . . . and I personally think KenP did a nice job with the junk comments.

    Good luck.

  13. Da Goddess says:

    You’ll be fine, goofy drawings and all. The surgeon had much better illustrations in his book (the one he’ll have open beside him as he takes his first few cuts). I’m sure you’ll be out playing frisbee golf in no time, though the bag of frozen peas in your shorts may look a bit weird to onlookers.

  14. Nathan says:

    I walked in for my V and there was a 3 foot piece of tape on the table. The nurse said to undress, get on the table, and tape my penis up to my belly… I looked at her and told her I didn’t need that much tape.

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