Bahamas bits

I’ve now been in the Bahamas for ten days and there is no common thread that can tie the whole experience together. It’s a mess of random nightmares mixed with zombie walks through a giant poker tournament that has to be experienced to be fully understood. Here are a few notes from my chicken scratch.

***

There’s a dealer most people in the poker industry know. He looks like Evis, with sideburns, big black hair, and sunglasses to match. I passed him in the bathroom as he carefully walked into one of the stalls, and I couldn’t help but think, “That locale didn’t work out very well for the real Elvis.”

***

I was halfway through a day of work, when I felt a breeze on a part of my legs that doesn’t normally catch the wind. I pulled up my dirty jeans and looked at my ankles and realized I was wearing my wife’s socks.

***

On the final day of the big event here, two kids aged 21 and 19 sat across a green baize and played a card game. The 19 year old won and pocketed $2.2 million dollars. I realized that it was biologically possible for the new millionaire to be my son. I later went out and tried to conserve my per diem at a place where a beer and a sandwich costs $30.

***

I am allergic to one thing in the world. Cats send me into a fit of wheezing that has twice made me consider going to the hospital. My first three nights on the island, I woke up in the same such state. A controlled experiment over the next few nights (conducted by winging a feather pillow across my hotel room) revealed that I also might be allergic to Bahamian hotel pillows. The other option is Bahamian hotel pillows are stuffed with cat hair.

***

While here, my friends coined the phrase, “dignity harness.” We have since determined that such a device is shaped much like a bra that can be worn on any part of your body. It’s constructed of the same tubing used to shoot water balloons. And, of course, it holds your dignity. We have also determined that dignity harness shops are not open on Sundays in the Bahamas.

***

I offended Montel Williams.

***

I managed to run into Slash in the bar and not turn into a massive fanboy. I think it was possible because he wasn’t wearing his top hat.

***

Earlier that same evening, I was eating in Murray’s Deli with my colleagues when Nelly walked in with his bodyguard. My friend Howard quipped, “Nelly in the deli.” And if you don’t think I wasn’t trying to freestyle on that line for the next few hours, you don’t know me very well.

***

Every morning I’ve been here, I’ve put in an order for Caribbean Passion with extra protein. Interpret as you will.

***

As I type this, the Bahamas is under a tsunami warning. We’ve been instructed to stay inside, which is really going to affect my dinner plans.

That’s good enough to call this a wrap for the day.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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1 Response

  1. Karol says:

    I am unsure how to interpret the Caribbean Passion order.

    Hope you guys are ok out there.

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