I should be home in bed…

But I am at work, staring blankly at my computer screen.

Apart from a two-hour happy hour break, I’ve been at work for 14 1/2 hours. So far today, I’ve put a temporary fix on my home heating system, covered the trial of a man accused of illegally selling his own urine, talked to a nursing student who may have saved an old lady’s life without knowing it, and spent two hours in a dimly lit room staring at a TV screen and wondering how I’m going to tell a good story.

Home heating…I can’t stand it when technical things that are supposed to work don’t work. I would rather shave a big dog with a dull razor than call a con…I mean, repair man. But I did. He’ll be knocking on my door–hand out–in about eight hours. Seventy-five bucks just to knock on my door. Then he’ll find something terribly wrong with my home heating system, kick my dog, drink all my beer, key my new vehicle, pour diesel fuel on my lawn, flip off my neighbors, unleash a rabid monkey in my bedroom, flip my wife’s bra straps, use all my shaving cream for a lower-body hair experiment, then charge me another few hundred bucks to tell me he can’t do anything without going back to the office to have sex with the receptionist first.

Urine sales…best quote of the day: “If my little bag of pee can bring down a multi-billion dollar industry, am I not doing SOMETHING right?” As it turns out, Su’s husband was mentioned on the stand in a criminal trial today. He was among the first people to buy urine from our resident urine monger. Very proud to know him. (By the way…he was doing it as part of an undercover news sting, not to defraud a drug test).

The trial resumes at nine in the morning. At that time, I’ll probably be asking the repair man how he likes his eggs and if he’d like Tabasco or silver dollars on the side.

I need to get back to work. It’s only 12 minutes to Midnight and there are a full eight hours until Mr. Repair Guy shows up.

Anyone know where I can get me a “beam-me-up-scotty” beam to December 31st?

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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