Why Women Don’t Understand Us

My mind has been in meltdown recently, in part, because of women’s bodies.

While perhaps the greatest creation ever–with the curves, the rises, the falls–women’s bodies are perhaps the most complex piece of machinery ever conceived. It is that complexity of mind, spirit, and physical health that turns men’s brains into porridge.

The male body is a fairly simple engine. You feed it, oil it, and tell it you like it a couple of times a year. It runs almost as long as you like.

It is that simplicity that stumps the world’s women.

I read somewhere that 90% of male communication is made up of one-liners from movies and insider jokes and phrases. The latter fascinates me.

I bond with my male friends with a collection of phrases that an outsider would never understand. For instance, while walking between the 12th and 13th holes on the Timmons Frolf course, there is a drainage pipe with a foot-sized whole in it. Almost every time I walk by, I mutter “Ankle-breaker.” My friends don’t have to respond. They know it is a quiet warning to watch their step.

The same thing applies to the Gold Bond Powder joke I referred to in my last post.

With that in mind…a brief collections of phrases you might hear me say…and definitions to help you understand my simplicity. And before you read…a warning…some of thse phrases are…um…not family-friendly.

Go crazy with the ice–At one point in high school, Brad, Gary, and I were preparing for a party of some sort. Somebody asked how bags of ice we needed. I responded with “Go crazy with the ice.” The phrase now applies to any carte blache situation. “Should I buy a lot of beer or keep it low key?” GO CRAZY WITH THE ICE.

The SIP–An acronym for Self-Improvement Project. It is any foolhardy attempt to better one’s self through exercise, diet, etc. The SIP almost always fails.

Elephants and Pteradactyls–In college, two friends who shall remain nameless had a…er…loud physical relationship. Their upstairs antics sounded like a prehistoric safari. The phrase now applies to any couple with enough love for themselves and the neighbors.

Breath-a-phone–A phrase coined by my friend Denise…who suggested we affix a breathalyzer to my cell phone to prevent late-night drunken phone calls to faraway friends. It can be used to speak about anyone who might be in danger of telephonically embarrassing themselves.

Fuck England–During a late-night college Independence Day celebration, my friends…lacking a fine way to celebrate their American heritage…used this phrase to celebrate the Fourth of July. This phrase can now be used to supplant any patritoic phrase (God Bless America, U-S-A!, etc).

The Woo–As descibed in an earlier post, The Woo is a way to describe an internal desire to cut loose and–if you will–go crazy with the ice. The word has morphed into “Pre-Wikkie-Woo” (aka Pre-Weekend-Woo) and “Pre-Vaca–Woo” (aka Pre-Vacation-Woo).

Is that a booger in your mashed potatoes?–An inside family joke to respond to any inappropriate or vulgar comment. Backstory: During a family Thanksgiving dinner, one notorious cousin told a completely inappropriate O.J. Simpson joke at the family dinner table. The punchline…”he likes to carve up the white meat.” In shock, another cousin responded with the booger comment. It made no sense that the time, but clearly illustrated the inapprpriateness of the earlier joke.

My cock is THIS big–Use this phrase to stop almost any inappropriate conversation in midsentence. I coined it while one of my friend’s racist neighbors was using a particularly offensive racial slur (over and over again) during a diatribe. About the eighth time she used the word (I had been trying to politely change the topic), I looked at her and with complete seriousness stretched my arms out wide and said “My cock is THIS BIG.” We now use the phrase to stop almost any conversation that makes someone uncomfortable. The only time it has failed was during a conversation about the size of a friend’s penis. Go figure.

This list is far from comprehensive, but gives you some insight into my simple communication skills. I invite all readers to contribute their own. Please use my comments section at your leisure.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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