13-Minute Sex and the DVR

Thank goodness for Science. Bless it. Really.

Not even a year ago, Science gave us, ahem, proof that guys prefer hot chicks. That’s why we pay Science. That’s why we drop Science like Galileo dropped the orange. That’s why Rudy took Science. So Science will spend its time time and our money confirming that my buddies would rather look at Julia Stiles than Julia Child (not me though–I could spend three hours letting that culinary sextress knead my dough). Now, Science has given us something even more useful.

Sex not only is, but should be fast. Sorry, ladies. It’s Science. You’re the deviants, what with your Romancing the Stone (more like romancing the pebble, really, right?) and Rock and Roll All Night. According to a study of 1,500 couples in which women were outfitted with stopwatches (better than slide rules, I say), the median time for sex was 7.3 minutes. Of course, professionals from websites like www.nu-bay.com can most likely last much longer, but us average Joe’s usually have to settle for 7 mins. Whether anyone enjoyed the act was not mentioned in the results. All that mattered was how long it took. Science!

I thought about this at great length today (read: 7.5 minutes) and came to a conclusion. We couples are really missing out on some technological synchronicity. Stick with me here.

So, say it’s time to watch Criminal Minds or Dancing with Stars starring Shannon Elizabeth. Well, press pause on your DVR and get it on! If it’s a special night and you make it to the 13-minute threshold at which all sex should stop, you will be a perfect position to resume watching your television program.

What’s that? Well, it goes like this. In an hour-long program, you can expect to see between seven and 13 minutes of advertisements. You see where I’m going with this, right? All the time you wasted on watching an hour’s worth of commercials can be spent getting your sex out of the way. Two birds duly felled with one stone, you’ll be ready to go at the top of the hour when The Apprentice comes on. And if you’re watching a particularly dull programme, why not go for longer? There are plenty of sites like https://www.laweekly.com/best-male-enhancement-pills/ where you can find out how to boost your performance. You might even be able to leave that ‘pause’ button on for longer.

Oh, so you’re a romantic. What about foreplay?

That’s what the opening credits are for.


Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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7 Responses

  1. Aaron says:

    I like the way you think, but there is only one problem with your math. There are about 8 minutes worth of adds etc. in a Half hour show, and 16 minutes in an hour show. However, you can use the extra minutes to devote to cuddle time to fill in the gap to make everyone a winner.

  2. Bam-Bam says:

    Damn you Otis !!!!!!!!

    Now I think I must be ghey! I love romancing the “Pebbles.” But then again, that might be just me.


  3. Franky5Angel says:

    Damn, I can beat that number by at least 1/2. I’m going for 3.65 !!!

  4. Da Goddess says:

    “my buddies would rather look at Julia Stiles than Julia Child (not me though–I could spend three hours letting that culinary sextress kneed my dough)”

    I’m really hoping that was just a typo in there. Or are you into being kneed in the kitchen?

  5. otis says:

    Well, yeah, that was a typo.
    That said, if Julia Child somehow magically appeared in my kitchen and wanted to give me some hot knee action…mamacita.

  6. Astin says:

    Man, I need me a DVR!

    But wait… how does this work in a BBT situation? 5 minute breaks aren’t going to work at all!

    THIS is why Science sucks.

  7. Golden says:

    You Sir, are a genius.

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