Four-year-old VIP

My kid is turning four years old this week. The bands have all been hired, the beer truck’s parking space is marked with orange cones, and the bikini-clad ring girls are auditioning today.

The three-day affair is bringing in people from three states. People are ending their beach vacations early to come home for the shindig. Governor Mark Sanford has put the state guard on standby.

The RSVP list nearly doubled last night while you were sleeping. If you don’t know somebody, you’re going to have a hard time getting in. And don’t pull that, “I’ll just grease the rope guy” routine. My rope guy is the best in the business and once forced John Wayne and Chuck Norris to pleasure each other just for spite.

Wolfgang, Mario, and the two Mikes (Mina and Rulhphy Boy) all wanted to cater the event, but I told them it was better they take the weekend off. One (who I won’t name) screamed, “You’re not getting Flay, are you? Don’t tell me you’re going to Flay me like you did at Bradoween 4!” I assured them I would be doing all the grillin’ and chillin’ on my own. They didn’t believe me and I’m pretty sure Mario is just going to show up. Like always.

Last year, I begged the wife to not throw a party for my kid’s birthday. He was turning three at the time and thought all of his friends were imaginary. So, we had a litle family get together with the Imaginaries and called it a day. This year, neither wife nor boy would stand for a small affair. My wife, who once looked over her nose at me about my “big, out of hand parties,” went to work. Now I have to hire at least three undocumented workers and a mule to handle the coming days. Thank goodness Costco had the electric cattle prod on sale.

This is a long way of saying, I don’t expect to be writing much in the next few days. I have to get some papers for the wait staff, a rope for the rope guy, and some tranquilizers for the wife. I may Twitter a bit (see link at top left), but all in all, I expect to be rather unplugged for a few days. Well, unplugged except for the cattle prod.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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7 Responses

  1. maudie says:

    Most happy birthday to the little man! Hope you and the Mrs. survive with sanity intact.

  2. Drizztdj says:

    Making cookies = happy kid

    Might not be your wife’s choice for fun however 🙂

  3. Da Goddess says:

    Happy birthday to the young man! Enjoy!

  4. pokerpeaker says:

    I have a bouncer, meaning the thing kids like to play in, not a big, smelly, strong man who will tear out your stomach for sassing off.

    Can I come?

  5. Golden says:

    Tony Bourdain may be available to cook, and he’s oodles more hip than the other guys.

    Maybe Rachael Ray is available to bake the B-Day cake?

  6. cc says:

    Our best parties for the boys have been ones that I’ve done at home, planning goofy games like scavenger hunts using cheap trinkets rather than the horrible goody-bags. I did one for our youngest son’s four-year old birthday party with gold coins, plastic dinosaurs, necklaces, big inflatable swords, etc, and had a map with photos of each thing they were supposed to collect. You might also want to take photos then give each person a collage or CD at the end of the party, which was a very big hit.

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