Los Angeles Douchebagicus

Los Angeles Douchebagicus is a member of the Douchebagicus family and is most widespread in the American West. A domesticated ancestor of the wild French Douchebag, the L.A. Douchebag (as it is commonly known) survives mainly on a diet of cocaine, energy drinks, and self-synthesized “sweat of the entitled.”

Unable to survive outside of its own packs, the L.A. Douchebag tends to travel in groups of three or four, walk with an affected and often replicated swagger, and dress exactly the same as his fellow L.A. Douchebags. While able to communicate outside its species, the L.A. Douchebag prefers to speak in phrases it has seen on television or on TMZ.com.

Unlike most animals that split their time between mating and foraging for food, the L.A. Douchebag is solely focused on mating and eschews all foodstuffs in favor of hunting for silicone-enhanced females. A paradox within its species, the L.A. Douchebag goes out of its way to avoid actual procreation, leading many scientists to believe the L.A. Douchebag is midway through its evolution to a fully homosexual animal.

While the L.A. Douchebag is not limited by geography, it tends to stay in the greater Los Angeles, CA area during the week. On Friday and Saturday nights, many small packs migrate to Las Vegas where they can be found at the Palms Hotel and Casino in their full splendor.

[For the female version of the L.A. Douchebag, see Slutae Withnoselfrespecticus.]

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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17 Responses

  1. Pauly says:

    We must take you to the source. There you can observe the Los Angelas Douchebagicus in their natural habitat.

  2. T says:

    Be very careful if you see one with a diamond-shaped head.

  3. KenP says:

    I knew you were going to miss being home but this bad already?

    P.S. Congratulations on avoiding the horrid puns that seem to be welling up like a bad septic on every site. And by horrid I mean obtuse and humorless.

  4. franky5angel says:

    Ok, still looking for the link to Slutae Withnoselfrespecticus. Which reminds me, we just started watching Californication through Netflix. I see a new book in the works. What’s the Midwest Douchebagicus look like/

  5. Mandy says:

    So true. The Palms = Mecca for L.A. Douchebags. You should avoid making eye contact with anyone on the 53rd floor. I’ve heard some pretty bad stuff about The Real World Suite. Zombie conversion stuff. Soylent Green kinda stuff.

  6. Genius. Pure genius.

  7. Astin says:

    How are the LA Douchebags related to the New Jersey or Long Island D-Bags? Is there a common ancestry or are they independent evolutionary lines?

  8. Da Goddess says:

    And this is why I tend to stay south of L.A. Not that San Diego doesn’t have our fair share of Douchebagici, but since I live in the sticks, I don’t see as many as I might if I lived in certain other areas.

    God help you avoid as may LADs while you’re in Vegas.

  9. The Wife says:

    “midway through its evolution as a fully homosexual animal” . . .

    classic.

    I knew I loved reading you for a reason (and not just ’cause you have that dark, introspective cuteness about you)

  10. Michael F. says:

    You just made one of my friends from L.A. fall over on the floor and laugh out loud. Woot!

  11. DANK says:

    I must of missed all these D-bags……
    Did notice a large amount of Hipsters though…..

  12. Heather says:

    How much time did it take you to create “Los Angeles Douchebagicus | Rapid Eye Reality”?
    It possesses an awful lot of superior details. Thanks -Nelly

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