If it’s good enough for Tom and Katie…

I looked at the dog and she looked back at me as if to say, “What? This is what I do every day.” Which was true. She sits around and occasionally goes outside to bark at squirrels. Me, I hadn’t been home in a month and had spent very little time with nothing to do.

For the previous six hours, I had been plodding away at some projects I needed to get done. When I finally reached the most tedious project (a full receipt-oriented accouting of my month on the road), I balked.

“Scoop,” I said, “I don’t want to do anything.” Which was, true, too. I didn’t want to eat, sleep, read, sit in the sun, drink work, play guitar, play cards, anything. After a month of doing everything, I didn’t want to do anything.

Like a bolt of lightning from the ass of L. Ron himself, I grabbed the computer and Googled “Scientology.” Because if it makes Katie Holmes a reasonable person, it has to work for me, right? I scanned the opening page for something about aliens, because it has to be their fault. Nothing. Of course, they are going to hide the alien stuff. Just like the American government.

Fortunately, I found something at the bottom that piqued my interest. I took a little quiz and when the computer spit out the results, they read “You could be experiencing a case of severe body pollution, which can cloud your thinking and leave you mentally and spiritually deadened.” Well, duh. I just spent a month in the most spiritually polluted place in all of America. Like I’m not going to be a little on the toxic side.

I read a little more and came across this pitch:

“Your personality has everything to do with your income, your future, your personal relationships, and your life. A test of this kind would normally cost you $500.00 and up. It is offered to you here free of charge as a public service. If you are not happy with life, you can find out why. “

Well, I am happy with life, but if it’s going to save me $500 to take the test for free so I can prove it to the Scientology commmunity, well then, let’s do it.

As I started the test, I made sure to throw a monkey wrench in the mechanics of the CoS machine. I put in the name of an old foe who liked to date girls while I was having sex with them. Or more accurately, I liked to have sex with the girls while he was dating them. Sue me. It was a hobby. The computer spit out an address where I could go if I wanted a full reading of my REAL results. I’m sure that’s where they’d tell me about the aliens, but I don’t have time to go to Missouri.

The instructions said, “Answer each question as to how you feel RIGHT NOW. The accuracy depends upon the truthfulness of your answers.” That was a little odd. Like I’m going to lie to people who already have a relationship with the ETs.

Interesting questions on the test:

3. Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or dictionaries just for pleasure?

6. Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, when there is no logical reason for it?

9. Do you consider more money should be spent on social security?

14. Would the idea of inflicting pain on game, small animals or fish prevent you from hunting or fishing?

18. Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch?

27. Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?

32. Would the idea of making a complete new start cause you much concern?

55. When hearing a lecturer, do you sometimes experience the idea that the speaker is referring entirely to you?

59. Do you consider the modern “prisons without bars” system doomed to failure?

88. If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?

113. Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide?

125. Are you suspicious of people who ask to borrow money from you?

Two hundred questions later I was paranoid and wondering if the aliens were outside my window. The dog was barking at something unseen outside. The results graph (which I could have specially analyzed at Darren’s nearest Church of Scientology) told me I was dangerously nervous and unacceptably withdrawn from my fellow man. It also hinted that at some point I had been probed in an uncomfortable place by someone from the other side of a black hole.

I figured I should get on the ball if I were going to take care of those problems. I looked for some definitive statement about the religion. This was the best I could come up with:

“The aims of Scientology are a world without insanity, without criminals, without war, where the able can prosper and where Man is free to rise to greater heights.”

It was about that time that I decided I’d spent too much time on the site. I’m sure my IP address was being tracked and Tom Cruise was going to be at my door within minutes. In the old days I would have asked him to replay the “What the fuck” scene from “Risky Business,” but these days I was afraid he’d jump on the couch and proclaim his love for the cold pizza in the fridge.

Instead, I logged off, ate the cold pizza, and shared a slice with the alien that slipped in when I wasn’t looking.

At least I have someone with whom to share my anxeity.