My deadly toothpaste or my bloody Valentine?
I’ve been home for a while and it’s been nice. Though I’ve taken a couple of roadtrips in recent months, my domestic and international travel schedule has been slow. In fact, the last time I was on a plane was two days after the now infamous Liquid-A-Go-Go Scare of August 2006. Even though I was flying out of a notoriously slow airport (and one that had been visited by 9/11 terrorists), my trip was pretty routine. Mundane, even.
My travel season is about to pick up again with flights both domestic and international. While I’ll certainly check my bags when I fly overseas, I prefer to carry-on, if possible, during domestic flights. Anyone who flies on a regular basis knows that lost luggage, or even waiting at the baggage carousel can be a real drag. Plus, carrying-on forces a traveler to pack lighter (read: only what he needs).
Based on the Liquid-A-Go-Go Scare, I wasn’t sure what I would now be allowed to carry on and what I would have to leave behind. As I have referenced in previous posts, my middle-aged vanity is getting the better of me and I have a few products that have to come with me, no matter where I go.
So, I hit up the TSA website to determine what was allowed and what was not. Apparently, many liquid and gel products are no longer verboten, as long as you carry three ounces or less. For instance, my clear stick anti-perspirant/deodorant is cool becauase it comes in a 2 oz. container. Same goes for a little hair product I use. However, I’ll have to downsize my toothpaste and shaving cream. Once I have made the trip to the drug store for the requisite downsizing, I have to find a way to fit all I need into a single one-quart ziplock bag. Any variaton from said scheme could result in a body cavity search by Hoppy the Long-Fingered TSA Agent.
I’m all for security. I don’t even mind having to put forth a little extra effort to make people feel a little safer when they are going to see Grandma for the holidays. If I have to carry a smaller version of my Aquafresh Whitening, so be it.
But, after looking over the TSA site, I think I’ve found a flaw in the logic somewhere. For instance, while my wife can’t carry on more than three ounces of saline solution, anyone (including Joe Terrorist), can carry on the following:
And here’s the one that finally set me over the edge.
So, I’ll go to CVS and get my miniature products. And I’ll declare them at the gate. And I’ll do it all with a smile. But when a robot terrorist stabs an air marshal in the back with a knitting needle, uses a corkscrew to take out his eye, slits his throat with a pair of scissors and then vaporizes the lot of us, don’t blame me if I say I told you so.
If anyone reads this post and does not ponder, “Motherfuckin’ robots on a motherfuckin’ plane,” then they gotz issues…
My Thanksgiving flight home found me on the same plane as the UT-Arlington women’s basketball team, the majority of which were avid knitters. I couldn’t believe no one was stopping them with those things. I can’t carry my makeup bag, but they can be armed?? I’d wager it’s a hell of a lot easier to kill someone with a knitting needle than with a 2 oz. of face wash.
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