Mickey’s deflowered virgin and Katie Couric’s bass mouth

I never really thought I would be the one to take Britney Spears virtue. The way I saw it, if she was going to wait for two decades (about a decade longer than most girls from her home state of Lousiana) to take a ride on the love train, she probably was looking for something a little more than a caffeine-addled TV reporter with Jagermeister on his breath.

However, news that the young Spears allowed Justin Timberlake to slip her the high hard one just broke my heart. How degrading is that for a young girl of virtue? I mean, I can’t imagine Timberlake can do anything of substance without the rest of his boy band there, and that would just take it to a whole new level for a sexual neophyte. I just shudder when I think about how Timberlake must have convinced her. I have to imagine he used a line like, “It’s not sex. It’s making love. And love doesn’t take your virginity. Now where are the rest of the boys to sing back-up?”

While Spears never asked me who she should lose her virginity to, I had a really good guy in mind: Mickey Rourke. We saw what he could do in such films as “9 1/2 Weeks” and “Angel Heart.” He’s a dragon in the sack. And what could be more appropriate than a former employee of Mickey Mouse submitting to Mickey Rourke?

But I digress. I really write today to talk about what’s happening to Katie Couric’s lips. I’m no fan of her’s. However, even the most unsympathetic viewer would have to be concerned with her current affliction. At some point in the last few weeks, two red slugs have set up shop below her nose. They’re hiding her lips. I’m afraid if her make-up artists don’t do their job, the slugs might leave a trail down her face, as they make their way from her noggin on their way back from serving as her brain.

Would someone please just send me a starlet I can respect, or at the very least, fear…in a good way?