T’s Rules for Home Improvement

In April 1999, I walked into a new job. It was a bustling newsroom that had already known my wife for a few weeks. The first desk I passed was one of those places where deskless people sit–a shared space that served as a home for the homeless, a place of respite for the weary, and, on more than a few occasions, a guy who eventually become one of my best friends.

T is a few years older than me and has gotten to most of life’s milestones a few steps before me. Over the past nine years, we’ve been through a lot together. He’s helped me through many a rough patch. He’s told me big truths, big lies, and everything in between. That’s how friendship works. Like any good friend, I’ve listened when I should, fought when I should, and completely discounted things when I felt like it. Out of all the things T has told me over the years, there is one axiom that has been true every time. Say it with me:

Every home improvement project will be three times as difficult, cost three times as much, and take three times as long as you think it will. But you’ll find that most of the time it just depends on the type of project that you are deciding to complete. For instance, if you’re looking to build a new garage, then you won’t be able to do anything until you’ve contacted custom garage builders in your area first. And then you will have to wait for a plan to be put in place before proceeding any further. This will take considerably longer than if you were just deciding to add a fresh coat of paint to your walls. But it would all be worth it in the end, as who doesn’t love to have extra storage space in their home?

As you are likely aleady aware, we on Mt. Otis are making our home look better than ever. We have had some restoration work on the exterior of the house done, courtesy of this denver siding repair company, but now we want to focus on the inside. All but two rooms in the house are getting a complete makeover. That can be a pretty daunting feeling to have, can’t it? All I know is that I need to make sure I look at the best places to get my home improvement equipment, we’ve been thinking about doing the windows…not knocking them down! Just changing the look, we have been recommended places like shuttercraft, who specialize in blinds and shutters, might be a better look for this old place. After a while looking through countless sites and countless options, deciding what we wanted to opt for, we found that our personal fav are the “cafe style” shutters. For what that’s worth. They look good, but there’s a weight over this whole project. For the amount we are spending to make this house look better–for someone else, I never hesitate to point out–I could have a very good time in Las Vegas this summer. There is a long list of people who keep repeating a hollow-eyed mantra that sounds like, “You will get that money back at sale. You like to spend tons of cash. You will get that money back at sale.” Every day, though, I am wishing I could burn down the house for the insurance (Note: If for some reason my house should, in fact burn, I am officially disavowing any knowledge of how the fire started or what I was doing at the BP at 3am, Friday March 28).

Since this process started a couple of weeks ago, my house has recognized what’s going on. A few nights ago, after the wife went to bed, my house spoke up. “I know what you’re doing,” it said. “You’re making me pretty so you can sell me. The party is over, huh? No more beer in the fridge? No more Goose in the garage. No more wet t-shirt contests in the driveway. I’m probably going to end up with a bunch of people who will use me to home school their three-legged kid. Great. Just fuckin’ great.”

The resignation has led to bitterness. I got out of the shower yesterday and a five-inch section of popcorn ceiling fell on my head. The dishwasher broke. I won’t even go into the problem that has made me scream like a little girl already. Mt. Otis is fighting back, and I don’t blame it.

As such, we’re spending a lot of money now to make the place nice for someone else. We’re spending a decent freakin’ poker bankroll to do what the builders should’ve done in the first place. Like what? Well, an unexpected new ceiling for one. What else? Replacing some slate that was cracked because someone couldn’t find five extra square feet of backer board when they put it in. At this moment, a nice guy named Joe is putting in new tile while on the phone with someone who he asked, “Como se llama…billboard?” At least that’s what I think he said. It doesn’t matter. The dog is unhappy. I’m unhappy. Worse, the house is unhappy. Como se llama…red ass?

Other things I’ve learned since this process began.

At least the house is quiet for the next little bit. No lie–both the painter and the tile guy had to go to Home Depot.

Must be the day they bring in the new whores.