The Speech

Each day I stand in front of thousands of people and tell them things I think they need to know. I speak for two to four minutes and end with the unspoken promise that I’ll be back the next day with something else to tell them. Despite the fact that I’m standing in front of thousands of smart people, dumb people, potential hecklers, pretty girls, and people I admire, I do not get nervous at all. I stand there. I talk. I go home with dry shorts.

Saturday evening, I will stand in front of 240 people. I will know 65% of them. I’ve gotten drunk with about 15% of them. I’ve slept in the same bed with a slightly smaller percentage. I will talk for two to four minutes and I fully expect to hyperventilate and unirnate in my pants somewhere around the beginning of the second minute.

I have been a best man twice before. I’ve held the bride’s ring in my hand. I’ve donned the tux. I’ve done my job.

Saturday I will be the best man for the third time. My brother is getting married and I will give The Speech. And for some reason I’m as nervous as a whore in church.

For years I have joked (sort of) about my brother’s inborn ability to be good at everything. He is success personified. He is trim, good looking, smart, driven, and successful. He’s also a few years younger than me and unintentionally outshines his elder sibling. I do not begrudge him for it. I admire him more than I will ever be able to say. But, it should be pointed out, it takes a lot for an older brother to admit he looks up to his little brother.

We call him Crazy Smart Guy. He’s an insane partier, insanely smart, and insanely driven. When you speak of perfect moderation, you generally think of a man who does nothing to excess and balances his life on that lack of excess. My brother is different. He does everything to excess. In that he finds a perfect balance. He goes out so far on both ends of the board that the fulcrum has no choice but to balance.

So, just in case I soil myself and collapse for lack of air on Saturday night, I’d appreciate it if someone would tell my newly married brother that I love and respect him.