The Challenger

I’d like to thank you all for coming out on this rainy night. We put up a good fight. We could never have come so far without your contributions, your volunteer-spirit, and your grass-roots get out the vote effort.

Just before I arrived here tonight, I phoned my opponent to congratulate him on a good race and a decided victory. While not all of the votes have been counted, it appears we’re going to come up just a little short.

For the last four years I have served you with what I hoped would be a good mix of self-deprecating humor, good work ethic, and tireless friendship. I have stood my ground on such vital issues as honesty, integrity, and the ability to drink the extra four pitchers of unordered beer the waitress brought as we were preparing to depart. I have led us into such battles as “The Great Mountain Assault” and “The Keep-Up the Wife with Incessant Guitar Playing Campaign.”

However, as the returns continue to flash on the screen, it appears my opponent will now lead us. I have never believed in his platform of well-deserved sleep, healthy-living, home-cooked meals, and an organized lifestyle. He and his campaign slogan “Fatigue–Accept It” always seemed self-indulgent and gratuitous.

But like all great citizens of Mt. Willis, we must now rally behind our new leader. Dissention will only result in gridlock. While we can continue to stand on our firm belief in a case of beer in every fridge, a greasy hamburger wrapper on every floorboard, and double bags under every eye, we must work with our new leader to advance the greater good.

So, tonight, I thank you for your support and I again congratulate my opponent, your new leader.

But, take heart as you go to bed tonight, friends. By Friday, my re-election campaign team will be re-organizing for our next campaign. Weather permitting, we’ll meet on a backyard deck and develop a new campaign slogan that we’ll use to win the next election.

Your slogan suggestions are appreciated.