I’m no conspiracy theorist…

…but I just don’t buy it.

Let me start off by saying, “MOO! MOOOOOOO! I’m angry! I’m maaaad! MOO!”

When the world first started learning of Mad Cow disease years ago, one of my favorite things to do was impersonate a miffed moo-cow. “MOO!”

Now, on to what I don’t buy. To be honest, I don’t even know. But something just doesn’t seem right. So. here are my top five conspiracy theories (in no particular order) as they relate to Mad Cow and the announcement that Mad Cow disease has flopped itself in the pastures of the American northwest.

(Drumroll) From the home office in…”MOOO! I’m angry!”

Okay. Sorry.

1) The terrorist chatter had gotten WAY too strong and it forced the American government to raise the security warning from chartreuse to mauve. It was the last thing the feds wanted to do around the holidays. Instead of holiday shopping and how well the economy was doing, the headlines were screaming about how we can’t take care of the terror problem. Insert one sickly cow (conveniently tested a while back) and change the headlines to something less terrifying. Sure, it’s not figgy pudding and Santa, but at least the turkeys and pigs aren’t sick.

2) Forget about the terrorists, we’ve got some sick cows. That’s going to be a problem when America finally finds out about it. When is the best time to slip it in under the radar? Try a couple days before Christmas when NOBODY or her brother is watching TV or reading the newspapers. By the time they wake up from their long winter’s nap, we’ll have eradicated half the beef population in the country, and apart from McDonalds being pissed off at us, we’ll be heroes for solving the problem so quickly.

3) Those beef producers are getting a little uppity. So is that damned Ronald McDonald. Let’s kill all beef exports and drive down the price of a good filet.

4) Something bad but not earth-shattering is going to happen in the next couple of days. Somebody is going to announce Bush has the clap. And (gasp!) so does Condoleeza Rice! Somebody get that Mad Cow out of the canteen fridge. Somebody get the Governor of Washington on the phone. Somebody still has those pictures of him and Michael Jackson, right?

5) “Jose Padilla’s attorney is on line one, Mr. President. He says his client would like a guided tour of Air Force One and a ride back to Chicago. Yes, sir. We raised the terror alert level. The news stopped reporting the Jose story, but started reporting about the terror threat. No, sir, nobody expected they would do that. We figured it would be a quick diversion. We even planted the holiday shopping story with our guy at the Post. The story got spiked. Mad Cow? Mr. President, I think that would be a bad idea. I mean, the terror alert thing sort of backfired on us. Yes, sir, that Ronald McDonald is getting a little uppity. But, you are friends with the beef industry, sir. You’re from Texas. They like meat there. Okay, okay. Mad Cow it is. What should I tell Mr. Padilla’s attorney? Yes, sir, I think a gift certificate for Omaha Steaks is a fine gift.”

Again, I’m no conspiracy theorist. I don’t really believe any of the above. But I have a strange feeling we just don’t know the whole story.

To which I can only offer: MOO!!!! MOOOOOOOO!