Got Milk?

As a temporary bachelor, I can do whatever I want whenever I want. That means, Wednesday, I slept until 10:30am and then worked for 14 hours with only a 45 minute break to go to the store to buy something for dinner. I am a party guy of the first order. Belushi and Farley ain’t got nothing on this fat man.

Fat, ye say? Didn’t Otis just write an entire screed on his ability to control his weight on the most controversial blog ever? Indeed, I did.

That little marketing link above and my lack of substantive girth is the genesis of my nonplussedness. These days, I find myself playing the role of blatant marketing ploy spotter. The most recent one hit me in the face when I went up to Ingles today.

Three giant baby blue awnings were set up where the ne’erdowells usually hang out. Beneath the awnings were a bunch of blondes hawking the newest bit of marketing wizardry.

I’m not sure at what point the the dairy farmers and milk producers of the world woke up and discovered they were in trouble, but whatever day it was, the rooster crowed loud enough for the marketing geniuses to come up with an entire campaign based around how milk is not only healthy, but can help you…wait for it…LOSE weight.

Why Milk, indeed.

This is what happens when people get genuinely nervous about the viability of their industry. It’s what commercial radio did when satellite radio started getting big. It’s what cable did when satellite TV showed who was boss. And apparently Big Milk is afraid now. Big Milk is hiring celebrities to proclaim the milk not only builds strong bones, but apparently, the glass of fat can also help you shed a few extra pounds. Huh?

I wouldn’t be feeling so snarky if one of the blondes hadn’t tried to push her stuff on me as I left the store with as many unhealthy products as I could find.

“You wanna milk? she said like the whore she was.

I’d give this little five-minute blather a proper ending, but I just realized, I have fly to Houston in a couple hours and, boy, are my arms already tired.

Shoulda had a milk, shouldn’t I?