We make change — That’s what we do

I’ve given up trying to predict what is going to happen over the next six weeks. The outsourced reservation agents at Delta are currently running a pool on the exact time I will call back and ask for my itinerary to be changed again. Depak in Bangladesh currently has Sunday, July 2, at 6:44pm. I like his chances.

In fact, the changes have been so frequent, even I am not sure what I’m doing. After three rainless months here in South Cackalacky, the skies have opened and even the ducks are wearing rubbers. As the rain pours though my broken gutters, I need to clear my head. However, I have little time before my next call to Depak, so let me offer just a few thoughts.

First, in a tired moment, I found myself watching Trading Spaces with the wife. She insisted she knew one of the participants from 1980s television. As well all know, Trading Spaces is rigged and the “reality” contestants are rarely real. Watch long enough and you’ll see Pizza Hut commercial actors, etc. Basically, Trading Spaces is something that tired agents get for their clients to pacify them until the next real gig comes along. So, it was no surprise that my wife was right and one of the participants on the show was an aging soap opera actor who was on Another World in the early 80s.

I, however, was more impressed with one of the female participants, whose credits included one of my favorite roles in all of Hollywood film: Hooker #2 from “Fargo.” In this case, it appears Trading Spaces was actually a step up from fake-screwing Steve Buscemi.

In other news, I’ve solved the American marriage crisis. I call it, Talking By Proxy. Here’s how it works: Every morning, your wife and your friends’ wives meet for coffee or on a conference call. They tell each other everything that their husband is doing that pisses them off. Then, later, the wives go home and tell their husbands. Then, that night, the men meet for beers and pass along everything that each of them is doing to screw up their marriage. In short, if communication breaks down in the home, you can always count on wives to tell their friends. Furthermore, one can always count on a buddy to give it to you straight. It is foolproof, I tell ya.

I passed this idea along to my wife, who promptly told me is was the stupidest thing she had ever heard. Since she didn’t elaborate, I’m waiting on an opportunity to talk to my buddies and see how my wife reallly feels.

I kid, honey. I kid.

In reality, I suspect this idea has as much chance at success as an idea that my friends and I came up with several years ago. We called it the Marriage Reserves. Here’s how it was supposed to work: Husbands are dutifully married. However, one weekend a month and two weeks out of the year they act as if they are single.

Yeah, that idea didn’t grow legs among the wives.

And that’s my time, folks. Hug your wives and kids. Pet your dog. Don’t forget to take out the trash. Stop drinking like you’re 18. Do your job. Stop bitching about minor stuff.

You know…all the stuff I’m supposed to be doing.