Scenes from an…Italian Restaurant
Our waitress was perky. I’ll give her that.
“I’m here to give you an authentic Italian experience,” she said.
I tried not to roll my eyes. I was only sitting there because my kid requested pasta and my wife is on a self-improvement program that means she only eats grass and broth (but not more than twice a day). There is not another reason to be at Olive Garden. And yet, there I sat.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate chain eateries out of simple snobbery. I will occasionally go to Chili’s, Applebees, or something else of their ilk and chow down. It’s convenient. However, if I never had to go to another Olive Garden, Red Lobster, or Ruby Tuesday’s again, I’d be a happy man.
And yet, there I sat.
“If you want to have a truly authentic Italian experience,” the waitress said, “We can give you samples of any wine we have for 25 cents.”
I looked at my watch. It wasn’t quite noon, yet. The girl sensed my reluctance. “The money goes to the Children’s Miracle Network,” she said happily.
While catching a buzz might be a way to get through the meal, even I have my standards. It might be noon somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, but tossing back 25-cent shooters of cheap wine is not my idea of a Saturday afternoon (although, it occurs to me, back in college I did that very thing at Les Bourgeois winery in Rocheport, Missouri on many a warm Saturday).
I felt a little bad for my snobbery. For many folks, a lunch at Olive Garden (or, hell, splurge and have dinner) is a luxury. For me, I’d rather go to Portofinos here in G-Vegas and pay the same money for some really good food. Hell, the other night, I went to a poker game where the host had made some cavatelli with italian sausage and red gravy. It was some of the best Italian food I’d had in months. Still, I felt sort of bad knowing some people were spending their weekly entertainment budget on the authentic Italian experience.
Until I realized it served them right.
Two tables away, a mother and daughter were preparing to enjoy some specialty Lasagna Rolllatini when the mother asked the waitress, “Did you see that report on TV last night?”
The waitress shook her head.
“It was about how cutting boards in restaurants are used to cut all different kinds of food,” she said, disgusted.
The waitress smiled broadly. “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” she said. “All of our food comes pre-bagged.”
Just like mama woulda made.
Ya know…I heard just the other day that da terrorist invented salmonella and that mad cow disease thingy.
I’m not sure if I find the “pre-bagged” thing easy or hard to believe.
On the one hand, I’ve worked for a chain restaurant where I can detail for you exactly what was prepared* before arriving onsite without counting off one hand (if you lump “desserts” into the category). On the other end of the spectrum, I’m absolutely confident that most Chinese buffet restaurants are intended to be plug-and-play investments for their ownership, where pretty much everything comes off a truck ready to go, including the food.
Somewhere in between these two poles is a small West Michigan chain called “Russ’,” which has about thirty restaurants and a massive prep kitchen/distribution hub to support it. I would think if OG had something like this, we’d know about it.
I would think the dish I’d be most likely to order from an OG to test the theory would be Chicken Parmagiana. If the chicken doesn’t look and taste freshly breaded/battered and fried, you can probably guess it’s a prepared patty flash-fried from the freezer.
*By the way, when I say “prepared,” I tend to mean “multiple ingredients either assembled or cooked or both together.” Naturally, these restaurants buy shredded cheese when they need shredded cheese (among other things).
Look at you being all Web 2.0
I actually don’t like going there for other reasons. I don’t mind the food because I know it’s not supposed to be anything spectacular. The attempts at making me believe it is can be annoying though. Mostly I just like to eat 10 or 11 breadsticks dipped in their alfredo sauce, which is so ridiculously unhealthy that I don’t want to go because I can’t stop myself.
Go for the breadsticks and salad and nothing more.
Although the tortellini wasn’t horrible last time I went.