Endorse this

There’s a very important class that famous people take.

You probably don’t know about it because you have to be famous before you’re allowed in the Circle of Lust. I only know about it because I know a famous guy who got drunk and let it slip one night. Screw sodium pentathol. Give me a little Patron and I am Colonel Klink.

Once a person gets a million views on You Tube, appears more than once on TMZ.com, or wins eight gold medals in one year, they are ushered into a small room where they are shown a video hosted by Tiger Woods. It’s pretty short, but very effective. I received a transcript from my drunk celebrity friend. It goes like this.

Hi. My name is Tiger Woods. If you don’t spend as much time seeking endorsements as you do honing the craft that made you famous, you might as well go back to showing your vagina when you get out of limousines or acting in shows with David Spade. Get as many endorsement deals as you can, pile the money in your panic room (you don’t have one yet?), and hope you can stay famous long enough to buy a Bentley. Otherwise, you’re wasting this whole celebrity thing. Buy Nike. Woods out.

Word on the street is Michael Phelps’ managers have forced him into a second viewing and asked him to stop negotiating with ROOR guys immediately.

I don’t see there being much chance of me being famous for anything other than eating things I shouldn’t and the endorsement deals in that area of expertise are not all they are cracked up to be. I don’t really want a lifetime supply of blue Keno crayons.

Nonetheless, I spend about 20 seconds a day thinking about the things I would want to endorse if I should accidentally end up getting famous in a Rogaine commercial. With that in mind, here are a few products I would not want to lose.

Pretty mundane stuff, I know, but the above are things I use more than anything else I own. For me to have a chance of endorsing any of those products, I’m going to have to do more than star in a couple of silly You Tube videos.

This post, more than anything, was an excuse for me to talk about a few things that have recently become essentials for me. Maybe I can get famous enough that I can pimp these things for money. Then again, I like them so much I’d probably do it for free. In fact, I will more than likely turn this into a regular feature here on RER: Endorse this: Stuff somebody famous really should be endorsing.

Buy Nike. Otis out.