The Salad with the Dirty Name

I was going to make chicken enchiladas tonight, and I probably would have if I hadn’t walked into the kitchen and seen a pear in the snack bowl. That’s always where things get weird for me. If I handled relationships the same way I handle cooking, I’d probably have a lot of venereal diseases and more than one alimony payment per month. My wallet, my wife, and my crotch, I’m sure, are happy that I have found a way to compensate.

So, the pear. There was one left. I had three chicken breasts, half a pound of bacon, a quarter cup of walnuts, and other assorted stuff in the fridge. Within an hour, I’d whipped up something that had me talking dirty to my wife. I made so many comparisons to the salad’s merits and our relationship, I’m surprised she didn’t blush. Actually, I’m not. I’m pretty sure my wife made Larry Flynt uncomfortable one night.

So, here’s how it turned out. And don’t go asking me, “Well, why did you do this instead of that?” because I did everything based on the fact I haven’t been to the grocery store in a week and what you see here was all I had left. I generally don’t publish recipes, but I think you’ll enjoy this and, well, it’s barely a recipe anyway. It’s just a bunch of stuff thrown together in a very dirty way.

I’m listing it here exactly as I made it to serve three people.

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The Salad With Names So Dirty I Won’t Type Them

3 boneless/skinless chicken breasts
1/2 lb bacon
1/4 c. chopped walnuts
4 cups baby lettuce and radicchio (or whatever greens you have)
3 flour tortillas
1 pear
8 raspberries
8 strawberries
1/2 cup grated pepper jack cheese
1/4 red onion
Brown sugar
Soy sauce
Sake
Cider vinegar
Ground ginger
Onion powder
Garlic salt
Kosher salt
Black pepper
Black sesame seeds
Olive oil
Butter

1. Pound chicken breasts flat and marinate in mixture of cider vinegar, soy sauce, sake, ginger, sesame seeds, salt, and pepper. Let marinate for at least half an hour (two hours would be better).

2. Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees and bake bacon and walnuts together on a flat/cookie pan until bacon is crispy. Reserve 1-2 tablespoons of bacon grease. Let bacon and walnuts cool.

3. Slice pear in 1/4 inch slices, brush with olive oil, and sprinkle with kosher salt and brown sugar.

4. Slice red onion in 1/4 inch slices, brush with olive oil, kosher salt, and black pepper.

5. Over hot charcoal grill, cook chicken until juices run clear, and onion and pears until tender.

6. While grilling, muddle raspberries and then whisk with leftover bacon grease, two table spoons of olive oil, dash of onion powder, dash of garlic salt, dash of ground ginger, and two tablespoons of cider vinegar.

7. Cut tortillas into 3-4 inch rectangles, brush with melted butter, sprinkle with brown sugar. Put in 350 degree oven on greased cookie sheet until sugar has melted and tortillas are crispy.

8. Chop bacon and walnuts together and toss with greens, shredded cheese, and raspberry dressing.

9. When grilling is finished, slice chicken breasts into 1 inch pieces. Chop pears and onions into one inch pieces.

10. Put dressed salad, bacon, walnuts into large bowls and ring with the crispy brown sugar tortillas. Top salad with chicken, grilled pears, grilled onions, and sliced strawberries. Serve immediately.

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Again, this isn’t so much a recipe as a leftover food orgy. But it was good and had my wife nearly blushing. Nearly.

I will probably make it again. If better prepared next time, I think I’ll sub bleu cheese crumbles for the pepper jack.

Dirty, naughty salad.