It’s not for my nipples
“Call me when you leave the gym,” my wife said. “I’m not sure if I’m going to have time to pick up my prescription.” I was listening. I promise. Just not enough to ask...
Category: Marriage
The Argentina gamble
(Greenville-Spartanburg International Airport)–I’ve been known to make a bet. In the past three months, I’ve bet on the toss of a lime, the next commercial to come on television, a rickshaw race, a game...
When you gonna put the paint on my belly?
Katie looked at me and pulled out her tools. I looked back and remembered I hadn’t worn my wedding ring. I felt guilty as the blond, taut woman put her hand on my arm...
Working from home not working
“I don’t know how you do it.” That’s what most people say when I tell them I work from home. Their eyes get even wider when they see the size of my house. It’s...
From chilly to Chile
(Greenville-Spartanburg International Airport)–There will come a time, I’m sure, when someone will ask, “So where were you when Barack Obama was elected President of the United States?” I will answer, “San Jose, Costa Rica.”...
Early warning system
My kid cannot keep a secret. I don’t think he even tries. Despite being an exceptionally intelligent child, I’m not sure he grasps the idea of confidence. To him, secrecy means you tell somebody...
Birthday parties are un-American
I am convinced birthday parties for children are part of a Chinese conspiracy. I spent two hours yesterday inside a giant warehouse filled with inflatable jumping platforms and slides. It was a bit like...
Making my wife happy
My wife has never said this, but I get the impression she loves the fact I am out of shape and stupid. My kid’s fourth birthday party got me thinking about it. As I...
Four-year-old VIP
My kid is turning four years old this week. The bands have all been hired, the beer truck’s parking space is marked with orange cones, and the bikini-clad ring girls are auditioning today. The...
Under pressure
If my wife’s to-do list was somebody’s face, I’d be awaiting a bond hearing right now, because I beat the hell out of that thing in the past ten days. I put down an...
Baby Daddy
My wife walked in the door. I said what I normally say before getting up from my comfortable chair. “Hey, baby. You need any help?” She’s always carrying something. Groceries. A sleeping kid. The...
Twelve years in love, eight years official
You should have seen her. She wore denim overall shorts and a shirt that rose up over her hips. Everything about her turned me into a 13-year-old boy. The bare section of her midriff...
Big box blues
I hate this part. There was a time when my not-yet-atrophied heart thought about the romantic nature of gift-buying. I would spend hours looking for the perfect gift, from a jeweler similar to this...
The marriage bed
My wife and I have a problem in the bedroom. I’ve slept in more places than I can count–from five-star hotels to hammocks, I’ve seen it all. I’ve woken up on the best mattress...