Camp Fun

The wife and I were massaging the Google calendar for the next few months when she mentioned that Camp Fun started in June. I was immediately intrigued. The possibilities were endless. I pictured a week of relaxing in a hammock, gambling with my buddies, and drinking beer. I looked around for a tropical shirt, a stack of $100 bills, and a rickshaw.

“Camp Fun is the boy’s summer program,” the wife said. She was patient and pretended to ignore my disappointment.

Today is the boy’s last day of his 4K program. He graduates next week and then moves onto a summer program before starting Montessori in the fall. The kid has more of a social life than I do. He has two parties on Saturday and a BBQ next week. I’m pretty sure I caught him on the phone this morning setting up a Sunday tee time. Worse, I think he was on the phone with one of my friends.

As it is, the summer program Camp Fun consists of sixteen days in which the boy gets to party with his friends. Better yet, he gets to party with a theme. June 9 is a kid’s version of the Amazing Race. June 16 is the Joy of Cooking. June 18 is Outdoor Water Day. July 9 is Wear your PJs Day.

You get the idea.

My wife has recently been looking in my face and asking, “Are you alright? No, you’re not alright. You got a good night sleep. What’s wrong? Why aren’t you alright?”

It’s not easy to explain to an adult.

“You know what you’re experiencing?” my friend G-Rob said yesterday. “It’s complete sobriety.”

I have been unusually healthy since I got back form Argentina. My body is sort of in shock. I wished I liked it more. As it is, I spent an inordinate amount of time fantasizing about what it might have meant if Camp Fun was actually for me. Here’s a tentative schedule (with explanation where required).

• Melrose Gulfman Day–Many years ago, my friend Gulfman (1971-2006) had a little apartment that pretty much epitomized bachelor living. We called it Melrose Gulfman. We married men went as often as we could to watch basketball, play games, drink beer, and do whatever else it was that we still talk about.
• June 9–Beer Day — Beer. All day.
• June 10–Joy of Sex Day — See Beer Day.
• June 11–Trinity of Leisure Reunion — All of the boys from 1931 Juniper Circle get back together for a day of lounging around in the triangle of hammocks we assembled on our back porch.
• June 12–Bachelor Brad Bonanza–Back in the day when this kind of thing still happened on a regular basis, my buddies and I would celebrate Bachelor Weekends, a few days in which our wives went out of town and we were allowed to sit around in our underwear, eat Taco Bell, drink beer, and stay up as late as we wanted.
• June 13–Family Day
• June 14–Weekend at Pauly’s — My buddy Pauly doesn’t really have a permanent residence, but his way of life is like a city unto itself. This day at Camp Fun is dedicated to sitting around, doing whatever Pauly says, and watching live music.
• June 16– Porch Sittin’ Day — My wife and I have been doing this with our friends as long as we’ve been together. The porches have been all over the country, but the MO has been the same…beer, guitars, crude jokes, and way too much laughter.While this sounds like a real treat, I only need cast my mind back a few months to Mastodon Weekend. It looked a lot like the list above. It was fun as all get out, but I crashed and burned on Day 4.

  Maybe I’ll just buy a six pack and sit on my new deck. At least I won’t have to fall far.