Poultry Primary sees winner and running mate

DATELINE: TYSON FARMS — Even the memory of Colonel Sanders couldn’t save the one-time Poultry Party golden child from the deep frier. After a campaign that lasted through six months of egg collection, Buffalo Wing has claimed victory over Chicken Fingers in the 2008 Poultry Primary. Wing will face Beef Party candidate Bone-In Ribeye in the November general election.

Super Tuesday saw Deep Fried Turkey suspend his campaign after a weaker-than-expected showing in southern states. The big bird’s Wing endorsement all but locked up the nomination for the bite-sized appetizer. Chicken Fingers made a last minute appeal for votes, most notably trotting out the great newphew of Colonel Sanders himself for an endorsemnt. Poultry Pundits say Cappy Sanders ended up doing more harm than good when he had a heart attack on stage and attributed it to years of eating fried chicken.

Buffalo Wing did not waste any time after his landslide primary victory. Saying it was time to start looking toward November, Wing chose a running mate and began courting the swing state beef voters. Despite Wing’s strong finish, many analysts say the choice of a running mate harkens back to a 1980s political disaster in the Presidential race. Bone-In Ribeye has already quipped, “I’ve met your running mate, Wing, and, sir, he is no Jack Kennedy.”

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Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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6 Responses

  1. As tasty as wings are, you are not a red blooded American choosing chicken over a fine filet.

  2. BAH!



  3. The best quail I have ever had was in Paris, France, on a night that saw me embark on an odyssey that included:

    – a wine bar, next to the Louvre
    – being mistaken for an American and snubbed by a random dude, until he realised I was Australian, and then thought I was awesome
    – eating said quail at the bar of this fine establishment, and making friends with a Japanese couple who worked at the embassy
    – asking the fine English girl behind the bar where she normally went out to drink (I am smooth)
    – Unable to find the bar, I head to another bar instead
    – I get into a drunken discussion with hot girls who were Catalonian (so we did not share much language)
    – I decide to leave after it seems some Catalonian dudes appear to resent me moving in on their countrywomen
    – I get lost trying to walk back to my hotel (which is a fair ways away). Very lost.
    – At about 4am I realise I have just entered the red light district.
    – I decide to enter an apparently empty (of customers) brothel to ask for directions
    – To curry favour, I buy a beer that costs 8 Euros. Holy crap.
    – I also did not expect the matronly woman running the joint to be playing Moody Blues. Besides the brothel thing, and the fact that this beer cost me a horrendous amount, awesome.
    – I pull out my travel guide, ask the Madam for directions. I am _so_ fucking lost.
    – I thank the Madam and the whores, and set off once again
    – I stop at a French diner for a Croque Monsieur at 4am or something
    – It starts snowing
    – I get lost. Again.
    – Street vendors start emerging, and I ask some of them for directions.
    – 8am. I get back to my hotel, and pass out.

    Anyway, I guess this is a long way of saying: “My vote is for bone-in ribeye”.


  4. I don’t remember my candidate floating this by me! Time to put down the beer and find out what is going on.

  5. Anonymous Marty says:

    Speaking of Beer, STB, How does Wings not pick the obvious running mate? The slogan was already there: BETTER WITH BEER. It should be Wings & Beer 08.

    This is another shameless attempt by the poultry party (p.p?…hee hee I said “pee pee”) to attempt to pander to the neo-conservative and heavily heart hating beef industry. This vain attempt to lure some of the fence voters is ill advised at best. Instead of standing on their principles of egg-cellence they’ve essentially dilluted their priciples to the point that they cater to the lowest common denominator.

    I was once PP all the way, but now I must go independent: “Pork Loin/Apple Chutney 08: Cutting the fat from Government!”

  6. Anonymous KenP says:

    Rumors from down under:

    DM=ACH is considering a 3rd party group. He has a unique way to raise funds.