Air marshals compete with virtual sluts for outrage

Updated below

“This is the outrage story of the morning,” CNN anchor Tony Harris said.

Let me be clear. I rarely take seriously anything that comes out of Harris’ mouth. In the past quarter-century, CNN has gone from the “little network that could” to one of the best sources for news on the planet to a carbon copy of every other cable news network. At some point, a consultant somewhere said every pre-noon anchor had to score an eleven on the TV Personality Vapidity Chart (TVPVC). That has to be how Harris got his job. The one-time radio personality turned human interest reporter found the anchor desk early in his career. He only left long enough to work for Entertainment Tonight. You know, tough reporting. Among his many credits is interviewing Tom Cruise (a laurel on his bio that comes before winning an Emmy for a “kids in prisons” story).

Regardless, I had to agree with him for a second. I actually felt this outrage of which he spoke. Just before Harris started talking, CNN had aired a rather shocking story alleging that fewer than one percent of all flights were guarded by a federal air marshal. I’m putting my wife on a plane tomorrow. I get on one two weeks from today. I’ll be on many more in the coming months. Frankly, I can’t say I’ve felt any safer since the government started touting its air marshal program. That said, I’m happy there is one. What’s a little outrageous, though, is the Transportation Security Administration’s use of this program to support its Security Theatre program.

The formula for controlling a society of people is pretty simple:

Step 1) Convince the people they are always in danger.
Step 2) Convince the people they are only safe under their government’s protection
Step 3) Tell people their safety depends on complete secrecy about how they are being kept safe
Step 4) Hire people to, as cheaply as possible (usually out of work actors who don’t know how to wait tables) to play the roles of Safety Agents

If the Federal Air Marshal Program actually existed as we are made to believe, it would be great. If it’s as CNN alleges, we should march on Washington. However, because the program is meant to keep us safe, we can’t know which is true. All statistics are classified in the interest of security. So, who do you believe? The people who say “We think there is a chance this program is broken” or the people who say, “We can’t tell you how we do it. Just trust us.” (Oh, and I’ve already reserved a space in the comments for the first person to go on a rant about how “If we tell CNN the percentage of ar marshals we have, the terrorists will be able to do the math and ur all gon die.”)

CNN’s Tony Harris was outraged, but not about what I thought. He was talking about upcoming story about a website titled “Miss Bimbo.” It’s a Webkinz-style website that lets people create their own virtual trollop, put her on a diet, and buy her some slutty clothes. You know, kid stuff. I created my own. Her name is Miss Wilma.


I didn’t have time to go shopping for her.

So, that is what I’m supposed to be outraged about. This is why I’m glad the cable networks employ hollow-souled TV anchors. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to differentiate between the mild annoyance of my goverment lying to me and the outrageous society-killer that is a French website that nobody knew about until it was on CNN.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find the right diet plan for Miss Wilma. I’m thinking about taking her to Monte Carlo with me. Let’s hope we hit our 1% chance and get an air marshal on our flight.

Update: One day after this posting, went offline amid news reports that regulators were investigating the site for alleged enticement of young folks to use premium text messaging services that cost about $3 per text. Still waiting to see if any regulators care to investigate the air marshal program. The upshot of the former is that, at least for the time being, Miss Wilma will remain half-naked.

Brad Willis

Brad Willis is a writer based in Greenville, South Carolina. Willis spent a decade as an award-winning broadcast journalist. He has worked as a freelance writer, columnist, and professional blogger since 2005. He has also served as a commentator and guest on a wide variety of television, radio, and internet shows.

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16 Responses

  1. BadBlood says:

    Miss Wilma needs a tan. And her quadriceps to calf ratio needs some work too. Perhaps a few weeks of squat thrusts?

  2. StB says:

    For a minute, I thought this was a guest BG post. Feeling safer is a state of mind. Do you feel you are in more danger or just the same as always?

  3. Astin says:

    Also, Miss Wilma’s posture can’t be good for her back, and in fact makes her seem bottom-heavy. I am outraged.

    Security theatre is the right word. I can’t see putting an Air Marhsall on every flight as being anywhere near a good thing. Now, if you could but Wesley Snipes, Bruce Willis, President Harrison Ford, and Kurt Russell & Joe Morton on every plane… THEN I’d feel safe.

  4. Franky5Angel says:

    I think Miss Wilma would make a great actress in my up’n’cuming cable lay-her movie.

  5. Drizztdj says:

    I think Miss Wilma has been living in Minnesota too long and could use some rays.

  6. Strawberry Shortcake says:

    Solid post Otis! Once again, America (cans) cease to amaze me with their ignorance and unwillingness to QUESTION ANYTHING!!!!! AND…to allow their rights to be taken away, no, I rephrase, to GIVE them away….do people REALLY not get that the man controls the media, too?! “Security theater” is all part of the man’s plan; damn the fuckin’ man! It was only accelerated because of the “creation” of and “allowing” of September 11th – which mind you, I’ll never forget..that the capital of NY is Albany…shit…”Security theater” has been going on since day 1….not like I need to preach to the choir or anything.

    Just watch Zeitgeist and I’ll meet you in Washington with my marchin’ shoes on dude.

  7. uncle b says:

    The resemblance between Wilma and Michelle is shocking.

  8. Random101 says:

    Each time I read this post, I get more and more pissed. An intelligent man voluntarily watching CNN? Outrageous!!!

  9. Mrs. Otis says:

    What if there are motherfuckingsnakes on your motherfucking plane? Well, then, you’d need to add Samuel L. Jackson to your cast list. THEN, we’d ALL be safe.

  10. Uncle Ted says:

    And yet somehow, with that 1% number, I have witnessed no more than 3 people on 3 separate flights screaming bloody murderer because they had an upgrade revoked (FAM’s are always in first, always on the aisle).

  11. Da Goddess says:

    Miss Wilma’s dressed for winter, I see. Whatever shall you find for her come summer?

    As for flying, I’d rather have an empty seat next to me than an air marshal. Does that make me a bad person to want to stretch out or not inhale someone else’s stale air? I’m pretty sure it does. I’ve learned to live with it. Fly safely!

  12. kym says:

    Astin & Mrs. Otis –

    and Jodie Foster so she can find Ms. Wilma when the bad guys snatch her & hide her in the nose of the plane when Mr. Otis is napping on the flight to Monte Carlo.
    Years ago I stopped watching local news because watching it drove me crazy. Then it was the big three I stopped watching for the same reason. Then, recently, all television news was cut from my media diet. TV Journalism is a thing of the past and has been replaced with infotainment & mindless punditry. But why is it so? Which came first? The Mediots or the audience that feeds the ratings machine? Or is this purely corporate driven insanity? Or…what?

  13. Astin says:

    I dunno about Sam Jackson. Look how many people were killed by those motherfuckingsnakes on that motherfuckingplane before he started kicking some serious ass. Still, I guess it’s better than everyone dying.

  14. the joker says:

    i didnt read the post, i just saw the picture of the girl in the bikini. good post.

  15. Golden says:

    Joker stole my post. Again……….

  1. March 26, 2008

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