A day with my boy

I just spent ten days pretending I’m a lot younger than I am and acting generally selfish. It was, as you might expect, a damned good time (with the exception of that time it wasn’t). Now, it’s back to my thankfully not-so-normal normal life. The first order of business was making sure my family still lived in my house. When I returned, the wife and kids were there with open arms. I got to spend a few hours with my older son today, during which time he gave me these three gems.

***

Location: School car line, 8:45am

Son: “Daddy, that’s a Lexus!”

Me: “It’s actually an Acura.”

Son: “No, Daddy, that’s ALEXIS.”

***

Location: Target, 3:30pm. Family has just completed buying gifts for underprivileged child. Above us hang giant two-foot-in-diameter Christmas ornaments.

Son: “Daddy, lift me up so I can touch one of those.”

I, feeling like the best dad in the world, pick up all 45 pounds of boy, lift him as high as I can above my head, and beam with pride as he touches the ornament. At the very same moment, a Target employee comes into view and looks at me, as if to say, “Really?”

Less than one second later, the ornament crashes to the ground in front of the employee. She barely speaks and goes to work cleaning up after us.

Two minutes later, we’re at the check-out counter and I’m rushing the boy to put the gifts on the conveyor belt.

Son (to cashier): “We’re in a hurry. We need to leave before we get arrested.”

***

Location: In the car on the way home from Target.

Son: “Hey, Dad. Paul flies a helicopter.”

Me: “Paul who?”

Son (pauses for just a second): “It’s not a joke, Dad.”

***

Yeah, it’s good to be home.